Vote Top Gear!

You can't have failed to notice we have an election coming up. The press have been banging on about it for a month or so, fortunatley not with quite so much coverage as they gave the US Presidential campaigns, but for long enough that it can't have escaped your attention.
As i see it we have a choice. We can vote for a bunch of scheming, lying, cheating, money wasting, two faced, depraved, self serving publicist bastards who beleive there is one set of rules for them and another for the rest of us - or we just don't vote.
In the red corner, representing the Labour Party, and promising the moon, on a stick, covered in chocolate sauce, and expecting us to beleive it, even thoguh they've had fifteen years and have made a mess of it, is the biggoted woman hater Gordon Brown. (That is, he hates women bigots, not that he himself is a bigot who hates women - I just thought I'd better clarify that - although perhaps the ambiguity would have done him a favour with a certain group of voters)
In the blue corner, representing the Conservatives we have - well I'm not so sure. I'm not that up pn this politics lark to be honest. Cameron? The one with a bit of a looker for a wife. His policies seem to be that he will support the NHS. And that he has a good looking wife. Well better looking than Mrs Brown anyway. He stands for family values, but won't re-introuduce a married couples tax allowance or anything like that. In fact he'll probably continue to support the "underpriviledged" single parent familes who don;t contribute anything to society, have never worked and claim all the benefits going which hard working married but single income couples can't get a shot at.
Then there is the Liberal Democrats (are they still democrats?) or Social Democratic party or whatever they are branding themselves as this year. Their policies are...... well does anybody know? Does anybody care? Apparently Hull is run by the Liberals. Funny, because so far as I can tell the council services work exactly the same as when Labour ran them, although it probably costs more now. The Liberals are promising to turn the country around. I'll look forward to power cuts, miners strikes and economic instabilty then. I think they were the party that was on the radio today promisng to "mend Broken Britain." Al Murray - get onto a no win no fee solicitor straight away - they've nicked your slogan. Shame on You Liberal Deocratic Alliance.
That leaves the Greens. Who will put a windfarm and solar panel on every roof top and very commendable too. That way we can be self sufficent in power and tell the Arabs to go and **** themselves and withdraw our troops back to the UKL protecting our borders from Illegal Immigrants. The only drawback in their master plan is how do we pay for ths dream? And in the meantime how do the lorries deliver these goods with no petrol until the Ortganic Goats Cheese fuel becomes a reality?
If you want to waste a vote you could vote for the UK Independance Party. This is a sort of polite BNP so far as I can work out. Migrants out! (if you wouldn't mind awfully, thank you very much, please.) Sory but how can the UK be independant overnight when we have spent the last 100 years training Johnny Foreigner how to do all the stuff and build all the stuff we used to sell all over the world, and whcih we know longer have the capacity to make ourselves? UK independance is all very well if you beleive that Yorkshire Tea grows in Yorkshire. It doesn't. It grows in India and China. We import it on favourable terms, along with bananas, oil, coal, timber, electricty, gas, Soap stars....... the list goes on.
That leaves the BNP. Not really an option is it? Racist skinheaded anarchists. If they meloowed down a bit they might stand a chance, but until they realise that almost without exception everyone in the UK is either an immigrant or descended from one they will get nowhere. My own family for example can be traced back 1000 years - but are ultimately probably French or German. My wife is called Jennifer - to quote Al Murray once more "A beautiful British Name." A derivative of Genevere, the wife of King Arthur. How much more English can you get? But her family can only trace themselves back around 1000 years as well, and she was probably a descendant of the Vikings, so what right does she have to vote in England?
The one party not represented in the elections is of course the common sense party. This is of course the TOP GEAR party, their leader being Jeremy Clarkson. His views may seem outlandish at times, but the silent majority (sorry Al Murray again) woudl supoprt him. Richard (beautiful English name) "The Hamster" Hammond would be deputy, performing much the same role as Prescott used to occupy - i.e. performing outragious stunts to distract the pubic from the day to day politics. And James May, the slightly geeky, brainy but cautious one would make the ideal Chancellor. Because whilst Jeremy may want to buy a Bugatti Veyron as the Presidential Limo, James would almost certainly buy him a FIAT Panda or a Dacia Sandero.
Other advantages would be an immediate abolishion of Road Tax and Fuel Duty, a tax on Vegetariansim and the prohibtion of bicyclists and Traffic Wardens. And the Bus Lanes and speed bumps would be ripped up. A minimum speed limit would be set on the roads which would really get the ecomony moving again. And Johnny Foreigner could be shot legally with a twelve bore, as well as foxes.
Of course the Stig would need a role too, and I think I have the perfect job. He could be your local councillor. A faceless and silent prescence who listens but says and does nothing.
So, my advice is, don't waste your vote - vote Clarkson.

Grass cutting

I mowed the lawn today. No big deal. Except that the neighbours dog had left me a mesage on my lawn. The message said quite clearly, that because I'm not allowed to have fence to the front garden, he will come and shit on it whenever he likes.
I pointed out the turd to my neighbour, and complained that his dog had shit on my lawn. His attitude was less than helpful - "You don't have to pick it up, just run it over with the mower if it bothers you."
I took him at his word. Have you ever done that though? The smell is bad, but that's not the worse thing. The noise it makes! It's a sort of crunchy noise at first, but then a sort of splat - with a lot of yelping, howling and whining thereafter. And the fuss the neighbour made. I mean it wasn't even a pedigree dog or anything. But it won't be shitting on my lawn any more.
Not unless dogs have nine lives too.

Travel News

I will point out immediately that I am a Radio Two fan (it's my age) So the following criticisms are not aimed directly at the lovely Sally Traffic, it is not a slight directed solely at Radio Two or indeed Sally, it's just that theirs are the traffic reports I hear. Almost without exception every radio station and many TV stations are guilty of the same.
They all imply that the traffic problems are my fault. How do I conclude this?
Well, they usually say "If you're travelling on the M1 there's an incident at junction 4 closing two lanes ...." that sort of thing. They imply therefore, that if I am not travelling on the M1 the closure will not occur. Which makes me feel guilty if I am, because quite simply, if I had driven a different route the incident would not have happened. I don't see how it can be attributed to me though if I am at junction 38. I am an advanced driver, I drive reasonably carefully and with due consideration for others. If they crash at junction 4 it is nothing to do with me - I'm not even in the same county.
Another annoyment is the way the refer to Police Incidents. I appreciate that sometimes they might not know exactly what is going on, and the police might not want to say it's a crash because they haven't told the next of kin, or it's a bomb because people panic, or that they've had to shoot a terrorist because well, that;s not the way we British do things. So, I'm quite happy for it to be a mysterious "incident" I just don't see why it belongs to the police. The police didn't create it, they are just dealing with it. In the majority of cases it's a motorists incident - they cause it, let them take ownership.
It's the careless throwaway use of words that annoys. Let's encourage more thought before adding unnecessary and misleading words into our conversations.

Tortoises have traction control.

If ever a graphic demonstration of determination was needed I have the perfect example.
We are currently looking after a tortoise while the in laws are away. Although house trained and well used to padding around the carpetted floors at his permenant home, he is having to make do with the lino and laminated floors of our kitchen, utilty and dining room here, as the front room is being decorated.
Tortoises are of course normally four wheel drive, and getting a grip on the lino doesn't seem to present a problem. The laminate floor however is a different prosepct, particularly as he is temporarily redueced to three wheel drive due to an abcess on his right rear leg - toroises don't limp as such, they just sort of shuffle with less effect on the injured limb. Sheer determination and bloodymindedness keeps him in a straight line. But the effect is comical when he tries to cross the dining room on the slippery laminate - it's like watching a tortoise version of Chariots of Fire. It's a weight/grip/power transfer nightmare of logistics for a tortoise trying to progress across laminate. It's like watching a Land Rover with the traction control switched on, on an ice rink - the Traction Control detects the slip and decreases the power to the wheels - result? No motion. Switch off the traction control and you get power to the wheels, which then spin and you get no motion. Conclusion - tortoises have traction control.
Contrary to popular opinon tortoises are not all that slow. Admittedly they won't outrun a Ford Fiesta or even a Smart car, but they can have quite a turn of speed when they feel the need - except on laminates. His determined expression is matched only by the surprise at the lack of any actual progress. And when he crosses the threshold back onto the lino and regains grip it must feel to him like he's on the SS Enterprise going through the stargate.
One confused tortoise. No wonder he's glad to get out to the concrete floored greenhouse every morning.

Navy to rescue "Volcanoe Victims"

Makes a good headline doesn't it? The newspapers and radio news are sprouting this nonsense headline that our wonderful Royal Navy are sending three warships to rescue those stranded in Europe by the flight cancellations caused by the ash cloud from the Icelandic Volcanoe eruption.
Rescue? RESCUE! These people went by choice, by and large on holiday. They are hardly in peril. If anything they are getting an enforced extended holiday. What hardship they must be in, stuck in a holiday destination that they chose, because they wanted to go there. If the Navy are to be invovled they should treat the servicemen returning from Afghanistan as their first priority - they are all stranded in Cypus, and worse of all Spain, haven't seen their families in months and have been stuck in a hell hole being shot at in a place they didn't want to go in the first place.
Amongst the news comes a secondary headline that British Airways is losing a million pound a day (although insert your own figure here, as each account varies and is probably a made up number anyway) I can understand that they have staff wages to pay, which will cost tehm a little, but think of what they are saving on fuel! Plus they can get loads of maintenance down, repaint the airports, - use this time constructivley airports people. In fact if you are paying the airheaded hostesses, give them a paintbrush and see if they can get the same high gloss finish on the lavvy walls that they manage on thier fingernails.
Apparently BA are paying money to support passengers until flights resume, paying for out of pocket expenses and hotel accommodation etc. Excuse me? What exactly is holiday insurance for then? If I go on a trip I pay insurance for this very eventuality - it's not cheap, but that's the luck of the gamble. So far I've never needed it, but if I did end up stuck in Disney land for a couple of months AVIVA or their underwriters would pay for me to ride around the Buzz Lightyear rollercoaster until my arms fell off. And then they'd pay BUPA to stitch them back on again. So if some Schmuck has tried to save a few bob by waiving the insurance, tough luck. You gambled, you lost, you're living in a tent at teh airport and eating your own shoes, or you're walking back to England and better get a few lessons from God on how to walk on water. I see no reason why BA has any financial or moral obligation to you just because of a bit of ash in the air stops their aeroplanes from working properly.

Epitaph to Mervin

Mervin was tactfully and discretely removed to his final resting place at Drapers Scrap Yard yesterday. It had to be done whilst Thomas was out as he gets worryingly attached to old cars.
£50 changed hands and off he went to be turned into baked bean tins.
This means that over 18 months of ownership he has cost me a total of 30 pence a day to run. I bought Mervin to save money, and whilst on the face of it he has almost achieved that (30 p a day is hardly a major loss) he has probably saved me far more than that in the depreciation I would have suffered if I had done those Miles in the Zafira, not to mention the damage such use would have caused to the Zafira's interior, and the excess miles I would have incurred.
Now if only I can get a reasonable price on the starter motor and rear lamps I removed from Mervin before he was scrapped, I reckon I can break even. Which will mean I have had free motoring for 18 months.

R.I.P. Mervin

R.I.P. (Rust in pieces) Mervin.

That sad day has come when old Mervin the Courier van has finally popped his last backfire. His death came suddenly from a heart attack (Cam Belt failure) and he died as he would have wanted to go, hill climbing in the North Yorkshire Moors National Park, and lugging a load, albeit only two bikes and a couple of rucksacks.

He is of course, a parts donor, and hopefully he will help others live on after his death. His starter motor for example was reconditioned not so very long ago, and will breathe new life into some old Fiesta Diesel.

As this is in effect a sort of Eulogy for Mervin, let us remember a little about him. I first met Mervin in September 2008, when he was already an old and tired van. Having only a five digit odometer it was difficult to know how many miles he has covered he was showing 64675, but that could have had a 1 or more likely a 2 in front of it. Certainly he had been abused by his previous owner, a builder, who had left him looking like a skip, but his earlier life was more cossetted I suspect, with British Airways World Cargo Services. He was nursed back to good health, tidied up and given a new interior, and the all important Vegetable Oil conversion.

Mervin thrived on the veg oil, but devloped a taste for real diesel and the occasional sip of petrol this winter, but had recently returned to normal running on Veg.

In recent weeks he had suffered an increasingly noisy wheel bearing issue, for which I had ordered a new bearing only this moring. I was also going to treat him to new brake shoes at the same time.

Sadly, his health began to decline on the way to Goathland this morning, when after a bit of abuse on a single track road which I drove like a rally stage, he began to rattle a little under the hood, but I eased off and we reached Beck Hole with no problem. I expected the problem might be the oil a little low, but nothing serious.

Following an adventurous bike ride with Thomas, we returned to Beck Hole, loaded the bikes and set off up the steep hill out of the village. The journey was short, but eventful, as a loud bang signified Mervins death, the cam belt having snapped and we came to an ignobale end. Gravity and some careful steering with use of the rear view mirrors saw us gliding neatly into a parking space and from their, several hours later, Mervin was taken away by a motors equivalent of a hearse, a recovery truck.

In the 18 months in my custody, Mervin has cost a total of £1455.37, and covered approximately 11,583 miles. This includes the price of fuel, insurance, tax, Mot and all the servicing and repairs costs. That works out at 12 1/2 pence per mile. Given that my Zafira costs 14 1/2 pence per mile on fuel alone that is quite a saving - £231.66 pence just on those figures. Plus consider that Mervin has been used for runs tothe tip, and carrying furniture, doors, bikes - etc etc and saved the Zafira getting messed up, plus avoiding excess mileage on the car and the depreciation then it has been a very worthwhile relationship.

The salvage of any useful parts will also reduce his overall running costs. I mean there's still 3/4 of a tank of diesel in there for a start!