Racism on the increase?

Not so very long ago, a local man was prosecuted by the Local authority under some archane law for displaying a Union Jack in his garden. Actually he could have appealed because technically it is only the Union Jack when flown on a boat, otherwise it is the Union Flag, but as ever I digress from the main point. The council decided that flying our national flag was likely to cause offence, and potentially racist. Well I have to say I have noticed a dramtic increase in this racist behaviour in recent weeks. Even our local Co-Op is selling flags. I suspect that there will be a peak to this racially inflammatory display of British flag flying towards next Friday. Can anybody explain to me why I am a racist if I fly my own countries flag on a daily basis, but a royalist if I fly it only on the run up to a Royal Wedding?

Centinary Post

Well here we are at my 100th post, or rant as they are otherwise known. And my topic today is mispronunciation. I'm not sure if it is purely a Hull thing or if it goes on elsewhere, but it really annoys me when people throw extra vowels into words that don't need them. We have a seaside resort nearby, decayed and past it best, buit that is by the by. It is called Withernsea. With-ern-sea. Right? Easy enough. But Hull folk will insist on calling it Witherensea. We also have another seaside town called Hornsea. (Horn-see) Again easy enough, but outsiders corrupt it to Hornzee. Why? And then tonight listening to local radio I heard the sports announcer referring to a place called Wemberley. I'm not a footballist, so I'm not sure, but could he have meant Wembley? I know that is how it is chanted in football fanatics songs, but when it's spoken it's Wembley surely? Our languauge is being corrupted and influenced by outside sources, one being Australian soap operas, so that our youngsters are now speakng with the rising inflection of our antipodeian cousins, and it sounds like everything they say is a question. This coupled with the annoying trend when spoken to, to respond with "Who? Me?" even when it is obvious it is they who are being addressed causes stress, stress being the result of restraining the most natural disire to kick the living daylights out of someone who most obviously deserves it. Also annoying, and prevalent in out local press is the mistaken use of the word "of" instead of "have." As in, he must of deserved it. No, he must have deserved it. But then, the local rag, the Hull Daily Mail is hardly reknown for it's editorial content. Not only is the accuracy of much of what it reports in question, but the grammatical presentation leaves a lot to be desired. An example (Not a genuine one, but a paralell facsimile) would be their syntax in reporting the theft of a cycle. Their editorial would refer to the theft of a black mans bicycle. Which would cause me to wonder what colour the cycle was, and as to whether this was a racially motivated crime. Of what relevence is the owners ethnic origin I would muse. The confusion arises because they have incorerectly reported the facts, or badly chosen the grammatical layout of the sentence. If they had referred to the theft of a mans black cycle, then all becomes clear. Of course typos and errors will always slip in, and even in writing this blog I am as guilty as the rest on occasions, partly because I suffer mild dyslexia, often becasue I'm drunk, and in part because whilst drunk I spilled a bottle of sticky red wine over the keyboard andnow it doesn't always function properly, so I think I have typed something but haven't. But then, you don't pay to read this drivel. And you are not forced to listen to it on the wireless, or converse with me on a daily basis. Where as I am, at least if I want to hear the shipping forecast, see whats on TV and do my job of work. So let's all make an effort to improve standards, and remember the Queens English. Except of course she isn't, ultimatley she's German, and but for the want of a misplaced comma, that makes perfect sense.

Whatever the weather, enjoy your garden

Alan Titchmarsh often ended gardeners world saying, "Whatever the weather enjoy your garden." A cover all expression which is completely harmless and says it all really - just try to make the best of it. A very British spirit. What annoys me however is the British Press and the way they report the weather. Only a few weeks since we had "the worse winter on record" we are now having "the hottest April since 1859" So we had hotter ones recoded before then did we? Right, so there's proof of global cooling. We haven't had a warmer April for 150 years. According to our local Press Brits are flocking to the beaches to enjoy the sun, topping up their tans on Bridlington beach where it is hotter than Spain. Now let's get a few things clear shall we? It is midweek, so the only people going to the beach are Mable and Bernard, the retired couple in their Austin Maestro, and the idle rich, otherwise known as benefit claimants, who will be driving 4x4's and people carriers, because for some reason those who claim motability benefits always have an oversize family, a large dog and an outdoor lifestyle that us able bodied working folk can never aspire to. They will probably be towing a jet ski as well. So the idea of Brits rushing to the seaside is silly - they will be restricted to 50 mph at best, and probably no more than 35 if they get caught behind Bernard. Another thing for the record is that Brits do not "enjoy" hot weather. Or indeed any weather at all. They "endure" it. They complain about it. Even now there will be gardeners complaining that their seedlings are dying off in the unseasonal heat and longing for some rain because the lawn could really use it you know. The same folk who complained about the bitter cold only six weeks ago are now complaining it's too hot. It's the British way. And as for topping up tans - pah! The British do not top up tans. No no no. The first time the sun breaks cover they strip off and lie under the sun for as long as they possibly can, in the firm and unshakable belief that this day is summer, and the sun will not shine again until next year. Consequently the end up sunburned, lobster red and in agony. Given the chance they will take in their annual does of UV in a single session. And if by some fluke of the English weather it happens again tomorrow they will do exactly the same again. English people do not tan - they are pasty white, lobster red, or lobster red and peeling - which is not appealing. The exception to this rule will be Bernard, who will resolutely refuse to take off his jacket, no matter how hot it gets, but as a token concession to the heat will roll up his trouser legs and place his handkerchief in his head as protection from the sun. Bernards are now sadly a dying breed, as the next generation takes over and his like are replaced by Peter Stringfellows, dyed blond haired pensioners in G strings and Mazda MX5's. And that's not at all British. One final word on Britain in a heatwave. The Barbeque or if you are under 25 the BBQ. Barbeque's, as I've previously related, is an ancient aboriginal word, which literally translates as "meat badly cooked, burnt on the outside raw in the middle, best eaten drunk." The one sure fire way to break a heatwave and ensure a period of prolonged rain is to have a barbeque. So I urge you all. Do not go (or flock) to the beach, do not top up your tan (or get sunburnt) and on no account light the barbeque. And maybe, just maybe, we will get a decent summer this year. Whatever the weather, enjoy your garden.

Did you miss me?

Hi, I've been away for a short while. I had a visit from the old BSOD (blue screen of death) when some virus visited my hardrive and wiped all my settings. Good news is I'm back now, but I'm still missing a few setings, so If I sound wrong it's becaue I am. Hopefuly i will be back to my normal self short and able to give the usual bullshit that I do very soon.