Campaign for Better English

Before anyone has a go at me for bad spelling I will point out that I type mistakes faster than my keyboard can read them, so the odd one slips through. Having got that out of the way I will come to my point, which is th epoor use of English prevalent in our society.

I will start with disabled people. There are very few disabled people in England. The blind are in fact the only exception, as there is nothing we can do to help them actually see again. We can make things a little easier with guide dogs, but we can't restore their sight. Their sight is disabled, and as a result to a great degree so are they. Now moving on to people with one leg. If they remain with only one leg, then I would have to agree they have a disablity. If however they have a prosthetic limb fitted, they are no longer disabled, they have in fact been enabled. They may still be disadvantaged, and that is my point. No offence meant to these people, but perhaps they too ought to be campaigning for proper recognition of what they are - they are not a lesser citizen in any way, they are equal, or arguably superior, becasue they have overcome the disabilty they once had. Douglas Bader being a case in point. He would have kicked your arse if you said he was disabled, and with legs made of metal it would have hurt too.

Moving on, I heard a policeman the other day say he was working on a campaign to promote drink driving. Surely not! Drink driving is highly irresponsible and illegal, and the police should almost certainly be campaigning against it, not to promote it. What he meant, I'm sure is that he was promoting awareness in an effort to reduce drink driving, but his use of English, as in many cases was flawed.

Now I'm not perfect, but this is something that irks me. Three armed men robbiong a post officer would certainly be news, but only in a medical publication, whilst three men, armed, robbing a post office would be an accurate description of the incident. Assumming, of course, that three men, all of whom were armed, took part in the robbery and that it was in a post office. And that the men in question did not, against all probabilty in human evolution, have three arms each.

The theft of a Black mans bicycle, to me suggests a potential racist incident, whilst the theft of a bicycle, coloured balck, or even black in colour suggests a simple random theft.

Any one else any examples of this misuse of English they would wish to share?

Top Tip.

When breaking up an old fence panel to take it to the tip, if you are cracking the old rotten timber across your right thigh near to the knee so it fits in the trailer better, always check for rusty 3" nails embedded in the wood.

It bloody hurts if you don't.

Marrows and Pumpkins

My vegetable garden got properly used for the first time this year. Normally we grow a few greenhouse tomatoes, the odd (very odd in some cases) cucmber, and some beans and carrots. The wife always insists on growing swet peas on the plot too, even though they are only a flower and not a vegetable. Iallow her to have a large pot of them simlpy because the pot is just the right size to stand on the circular drain cover, hence it doen't take up any growing space and it stops me trying to dig up the drain cover.

This year however I expanded the vegetable plot, and planted potatoes, carrots, onions, leeks, radishes, marrow/courgette/zucini plants and pumpkins. The Cukes and Toms were joined by peppers and chillis in the greenhouse. And the apple and rhubarb trees were left to themselves as usual. Despite having used fresh compst it must have been previously used in a greenhouse and recycled, as loads of self seeded tomato plants also came up outdoors.

Now I would like to claim that a lot of hard work, skill and knowledge went into this garden, but that woudl be lying. After bunging the seeds in the ground roughly as directed on the packet, and watering them regularly, the occasion feed and keeping the weeds down, once I could distinguish them from the plants I did nothing special. But I have been rewarded with a bumper harvest of just about everything.

The carrots were the least prolific, but better than ever before - i guess my ground isn't best suited to carrots, but that's not a problem for next year as I have imported several tonnes of Biltons finest soil. So this years stumpy split and twisted carrots may be the last amusingly shaped vegetables for a while. And despite their looks, they are far superior to shop bought. Mine are naturally pale orange, not dyed, and taste of carrots, not a vaguely carrotty mulch.

Moving on to onions, these did well, with nice crispy onions that taste more of onions than onions bought in the shops do. There's a theme developing here. I actually cried peeling my onions, and that hasn't happened in a long while - ever since I developed an sort of immunity to CS spray. My chilli peppers certainly made me cry - I didn't expect them to be very strong, as they were only small, but hell they pack a punch. I only grew one plant, but next year I'll be planting more now that I know how easy they are to grow.

What surprised me most though was the marrow and pumpkin crop. Huge plump specimens of both, and in vast numbers, each plant yielding at least four fruit each. And due to the unseasonably warm weather it looks like I may even have a second late crop to come.

All this means I have had to become all culinary and cook uop new dishes I've never tried before. Marrow and vegeatble soup (with a little chill and curry this is an excellent winter warmer soup)
Pumpkin Soup, Pumpkin muffins, Ginger and Marrow Marmalade, Various jams, Chutney, curried Marrow............. the list goes on.

I am inspired to get growing next year. Gardening for free food. Beat the recession - dig for victory.