My part time job just became full time

Like many husbands, as well as holding down a full time career job I am also employed at home as a gardener, builder, electrician, joiner, gas fitter, plumber, painter and decorator, furniture maker, toy mender, bicycle repairman, mechanic and paint and body repairer, etc etc. This I do not mind, as it came with the job description 15 years ago when I married.


What I did not expect was that 15 years forwards the single simple PC that we owned would have been replaced and added to by the explosion in technology that now means I am also an IT technician. I am, as I have previously pointed out, rapidly reaching my technology ceiling, where new gadgets are far more advanced than I can cope with. Yet my knowledge is far in excess of that of my wife – to her, a book is cutting edge, and I am frequently surprised when she is able to operate one without assistance. Apart from operating the on/off switch on any gadget she is stumped, the only exceptions being the clock and timer on the oven which baffle me completely, but she operates with aplomb, and her bedside alarm, which defies all logic anyway, having a special feature which means it goes off an hour or so after she left for work when I am on nights and just dozing off.

My superior knowledge means I get the IT job. This was easy when we had the aforementioned single PC. But my growing family has an ever increasing thirst for technology, and Dad has to look after it all, maintaining, repairing and replacing consumables.

At last count we had four PC’s, a laptop, Two SatNavs, Two PDA’s, Two Nintendo DS’s, six televisions, four printers, three mobile phones, an MP3 player, 2 Ipods, an Airwave radio, Freeview and FreeSat boxes, and three DVD players. Plus there is also the microwave, two cars and countless clocks around the house which bi-annually need my attention due to this stupid idea of moving the clocks about. Some of these things are like old friends, in that I see them frequently and know exactly what they do, and how to deal with them. The sort of old friend you’ve known since school and regularly go for a pint with. And some are like old friends, in that I see them so infrequently that I know longer know what they so, or how to deal with them. The sort of old friend you cross the street to avoid, as it’s going to be embarrassing when you can’t remember their childrens names, and don’t know that their partner died last year.

And now, thanks to Santa, two Ipod touches and a Wii console have joined them. The Wii and the Ipods want to talk to each other, and my PC’s and I can’t help feeling they are ganging up on me now. Whilst they are syncing, I am sinking beneath the workload. My part time job as IT techy is now a full time job. I come home from work and there is a list of stuff to do before I go back to work.

Of course all these things are supposed to make life easier, and more fun. And I suppose they do, for everyone else, except me. I think I’d be better off with a biro, and a notepad.

One Hell of a Christmas

Santa is an anagram of Satan. Santa was Saint Nicholas. Satan is often refered to as Old Nick. We threaten our kids that if they are not good Santa won;t bring them presents. And the devil will take them to hell. Santa and the devil are one and the same. Both are the route of more evil than anything else I can think of. Coincidences? I don't think so.

Was Jesus a criminal?

I don’t want to offend anyone with the following article, but it strikes me that if you are going to offend anyone then Christians are the ones to pick on. They do after all preach tolerance and forgiveness, whereas some of the more insecure religions put a Fatwa on you. You’re generally on a safe bet poking at Christianity.


My topic matter today is “Was Jesus a Criminal?” We know he caused damage in the temple when he got angry and threw out the money lenders, but this was just a public order matter really, and he probably got off with just a fixed penalty – a light crucifixion or something.

My logic goes like this. In my day to day work activities I come across an exceptional number of people born on 25th December. Now logically there is a 1 in 365.25 chance (allowing for leap years) of being born on 25th December. Yet I meet a disproportionate number of people born on that day committing offences or otherwise coming to the attention of the police. They are in fact second only to people born on 1st January, which of course immediately marks you out as an illegal immigrant. Oh I know the figures will be skewed slightly, a peak of births around Christmas because there are sad people out there who will deliberately try and conceive a child with the sole intention of having said child on born Christmas Day – so they are a “Special” baby. As if it somehow brings them closer to God or something. The fact that Jesus, if he ever existed, was almost certainly not born on Christmas Day doesn’t seem to enter the heads of these otherwise quite intelligent people. Others are accidental or random births that just happen to fall on Christmas Day. These children, and the adults they grow into, often further stigmatised with names like Christian and Noel, or Angel or Mary somehow grow up into citizens more needy of the Emergency services, and often Social Services than any other group. This is not surprising when you consider how self centred their parents must be, to deliberately plan, nine months in advance, to spoil someone else’s Christmas Dinner by making them deliver a child.

The cynics amongst you might say that I simply remember these people because the date is memorable, but you are wrong. I meet far more Christmas Day people than I meet people who share my same birthday for example, or other relevant dates, like the day I joined the force, or the day I got married.

And I have a theory as to why these people turn to crime. Normal people get Birthday presents and Christmas presents on two separate occasions. This adds to the feeling of being loved and cared for. Even the little Chavs on council estates can look forward to an extra can of Stella as a treat. But Christmas birthday people only get one occasion a year when they feel loved and cherished, so they emotionally insecure and become attention seekers. They are the offspring of those who choose to have a child at Christmas simply to reduce the cost of presents twice yearly. These people then, commit petty crime to gain attention. Simple as that. So if you are born on 25th December, you are more likely to be emotionally stunted, needy and a criminal.

And of course my theory, reverse engineered, in my mind at least, proves that Jesus probably was a criminal too.

Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they aren't out to get you.

Starting an article with a quote fro another writer is probably bad form, but I'm going to do it anyway. Douglas Adams, author of, amongst other things, Life the Universe and Everything, was in the midst of writing another book, when his was hit by the most life threatening condition that many of us know as death. Fortunately, Adams was a great fan of technologyy and left behind on his Apple Mac a whole wealth of ideas, letters, partly finished articles, and the various muses of his book, later edited, mashed about and embelished with a foreword by Stephen Fry.
In amongst this is the quote with which I intended to start this drivel, but which now finds itself well into the second paragraph, thus excusing me from any potential breach of writers etiquette. And it goes like this. "Time Travel? I believe there are people regularly travelling back from the future and interfering with our lives on a daily basis. The evidence is all around us. I'm talking about how every time we make an insurance claim we discover that somehow mysteriously the exact thing we're claiming for is now precisely excluded from our policy."
Now, although I have never made an insurance claim I can empathise with what Douglas was thinking. My entire life has been blighted by the same sort of conspiracy.
You want proof? Okay, anyone who was born in 1968 will support me in this, particularly if they we brought up in say, a North East Coastal Town, with a largely Larbour local authority.
My sister who is around 18 months older than me, benefited from free milk in school. She has few fillings and strong healthy bones. I managed to get around 3 pints of free milk before ti was withdrawn. Consequently I have more metal in my mouth than the average Japanese Hatchback, and have broken many bones, although fortunately none mine.
Moving on, my sister further benefited from free swimming lessons at school, whilst they were withdrawn after my first three lessons. Coming from a low earning working class background (that is to say, my Dad worked rather than claimed benefits) I was therefore destined to drown with my peers, and very nearly did.
This concerted effort to thwart my development continued throughout my life. I managed to take some "O" levels, but also had to take GCSE's, being right on the very point where the exam system changed, so that prospective employees don't know whether I am Dick or Richard.
Joining the Police service I was just to late to qualify for the lucrative "Rent Allowance" which was subject of an annual compensatory grant, and instead got the inferior "Housing Allowance" which has not risen in 21 years. Even when buying my house I just missed out on MIRAS, which eased the burden of the mortgage payer. And of course I got married just in time for married mans tax allowance to be abolished.
I therefore fully agree with Douglas Adams that time travel is not only possible, but being used as a weapon against us.
Either that, or I am extremely unlucky. Which explains why despite regularly buying a lottery ticket I have only ever won a tenner, twice, whilst my sister has small wins with such frequeNC as to be frankly suspicious. Of course, if ever I were to win the big one, the Government would doubtless announce an immediate special tax on lottery winners. At 100%.

Who is Chris Moss?

There has been much talk recently about a mystery man, Chris Moss. People keep telling me I should get ready for Chris Moss, Chris Moss is coming soon etc. Apparently I should consider buying Chris Moss presents, but I don;t know the man, so don't know what or should buy him or why.
In conversion I have established that this gentleman is of a jovial disposition, as people keep saying Happy Chris Moss, but he is also a bit of an inebriate, as he is often referred to as Merry Chris Moss.
Some people are baking him cakes apparently, which seems appropriate for a guest, but doesn't help me find out who he is, whilst I have heard others saying they are going to the Chris Moss Service. I've drawn a blank over that, I don't really wish to see old ladies servicing a young man. Chris Moss decorations sounds more innocent, a man being awarded a medal is always going to be a worthy ceremony. But who is the man?
My confusion of course became profound when I heard someone say "You'll Log." Will I? So, apparently I have to keep some sort of Diary of Chris Moss's activities.
It is of course possible that I have been the victim of mispronunciation, and that these uneducated people were actually trying, in their redneck gum chewing fashion, to form the word "Christmas" and not talking about some bloke off the estate.
Only time will tell.

Poor driving is sexy?

Rock ‘n’ Roll artists and film stars have a bad press when it comes to motoring. James Dean and Marc Bolan being just two of those whose lives were cruelly cut short due to traffic collisions.


But it is hardly surprising when you look at their driving attitudes. Roy Orbision showed a very poor regard to driver fatigue when he drove all night. Okay the song doesn’t relate as to whether he had driven during the day as well, but even so to drive all night without a break is just asking for trouble. He wasn’t even concentrating that much on his driving, day-dreaming of the girl he was going home to. We don’t know from the lyrics what he was driving, I hope it wasn’t a goods vehicle, as he would have been in serious breach of tachograph regulations. And what justification did he have for this reckless driving behaviour? Sex. As he later admits in the lyrics to waking the subject of his song in her room to make love.

But what was his alternative? Gene Pitney was only 24 hours from Tulsa, on his way home to his darling, when he made the very sensible decision to stop for the night at a roadside motel. And promptly fell for a stranger, who he shagged and now can’t go home again. Sex again.

Jerry Lee Lewis of course promoted driving at excess speed in his song Maybelline. In this he is racing a Cadillac Coupe de Ville in an undisclosed model of Ford. The V8 Ford has an overheating issue, but this does not deter him from thrashing it. First he drives both bumper to bumper and side by side with the Caddy at 95mph. Frankly this is dangerous and he should have lost his licence for it. But he pushes the Caddy up even faster to 104 before his Ford starts to lose it due to the heat. It then starts to rain, which cools down his motor, presumably he is driving something with no bonnet, but even in the wet he continues to drive at stupid speeds. He refers to the Caddy sitting like a tonne of lead doing 110 half a mile ahead, before then appearing to stand still, suggesting he is doing well over 130 as he catches up with it at the top of the hill. Excuse me? An old Ford with an overheating engine pulling those sort of speeds uphill? And how the hell did the Caddy Landbarge achieve that sort of speed? I think he was exaggerating a bit, but the point is his listeners may well have thought it was socially acceptable to drive in this manner. And why was he chasing Maybelline in such a reckless manner. The song doesn’t say, but I bet it’s sex again.

I’m sure there are other similar examples of pop stars and cult figures glamourising fast cars and dangerous driving. What did Prince have to say about his pretty little red corvette? I don’t know the lyrics, but I bet they don’t include always wear your seat belt, don’t speed and don’t use you mobile whilst driving. I know there’s something in there about parking sideways (a Handbrake turn perhaps) and certainly the general impression is the car is driven way too fast.

It seems to be mainly American musical culture which promotes the negatives though, although there is probably good reason for this. British cars, on the whole, are not glamorous. Nobody ever sang about his pretty little red Capri, the Ford Cortina remained unsung and the Austin 1100 would be very difficult to place in any lyrics.

Perhaps this is why British musical/car culture is more tamed. Freddy Mercury of Queen had a very relaxed driving style in the 70’s, probably because he was in Love with his car and didn’t want to risk damaging it. Although it includes the lines “Get a grip on my boy racer roll bar, Such a thrill when your radials squeal.” I suspect that the roll cage was simply a safety device for show, as British cars of the 70’s just weren’t racers, and the tyres were squealing because they were cheap imported Chinese rubber, or because they lacked tread due to the lack of money at the time. He cruised in overdrive, not only a safer style of driving but more economical too. Is this perhaps because he was also a cyclist, wanting to ride his bicycle, and therefore had a vested interest in road safety? He certainly did his bit to promote the drink drive campaign in the eighties, although his message was somewhat mixed. Don’t drink and drive your car, good advice Freddy. But don’t get breathalysed was a bit controversial – was he suggesting you should refuse to take a roadside test? Don’t lose you head was fine though, a sterling warning against the folly of road rage.

Madness of course enjoyed driving in their car too, even though it wasn’t a Jaguar. It was some sort of Morris built in 1959 for the GPO, so possibly not a car at all but a Morris Minor Van. They do confess to driving at 58 on the A45, but I suspect the speed limit was higher back then. Rather than reckless driving there is an element of neglectful lack of maintenance though, because the tyres are allegedly a little worn, and Suggs even says he enjoys driving it with a flat tyre – not big or clever.

Jasper Carrott perhaps showed a little of the spirit of rebellion with his classic Funky Moped, which still rings true today. He might only have had a 50cc hair dryer on wheels but the attitude found in teenagers back then still rings true today – no ones gonna tell me where to go, no! I’m gonna ride, ride, ride. He did however have the good sense not to ride it until his front mudguard was repaired. And as a result the object of his desires went off with the lad on the pushbike.

The point of this post is wasted on me now, but I seem to have created an argument that poor drivers lead a better sex life.

Something for everyone

A quick glance through this years posts shows the wide variety of irritations I have faced in the past 12 months and the wonderful adventures that befall a 43 year old average man.
We have discussed, in no particular order;
Health, Gardening, the weather, gadgets, cars, underage drinking, the ageing process, death, assassination, obituaries, when to write an autobiography, barbecues and their effect on weather patterns, Commuting, alternative transport, the re-invention of the car, alternative voting, Racism, Grammar, Strike action, education, gutters and drain clearance, the royal family, how to deal with double glazing salesmen, hiking, motorcycling, animal welfare, hotels, airports and travel, Germans on holiday, train delays, window cleaning - why? language, DIY, the credit crunch, politics, the collapse of the euro, the British class system and the Humber Bridge Debt.

Now if there isn't something there to interest you, just wait and see what comes next - anything can happen in the next 12 months.

Peak viewing figures.

I have just checked my data for this blog thing that I write to vent my frustrations about life the universe and everything. I have always assumed that nobody read it, as no-one ever comments on any topic. In fact I thought I just wrote it to amuse myself and a few chaps from work who have admitted they sometimes read it. Oh and Dave's Dad, who is apparently a big Fan. Hello Daves Dad.
It woudl seem however that I am developing a following. Each post is avergaing 9 reads, with a peak viewing figure of 37 for one post. And lots of them are not indexed as I only discovered how to do that recently, so hopefully my figures will go up even more.
One day, I will make a compilation and produce it as a book for Christmas. Clarkson gets away with it, so why shouldn't I?

The future’s Orange – not.

The future’s Orange – not.


As an infrequent user of those pestulent carbuncles called mobile phones I am not over familiar with the topping up procedure. Some people seem to be never off the damn things, so must be topping up every five minutes. Well, I come from a generation where if you walked down the street seemingly mumbling to yourself it would not be too long before you had a nice new jacket, albeit with sleeves rather longer than you were used to, and a bed in a small but comfortable room with nice soft walls. Hence I only use the mobile teleponic device for what it’s creator intended. I make telephone calls on it, in situations where Mr Bells devices are otherwise not freely available tied to a wall or in a convenient box in the street, and I make these calls only if they are necessary. I do not send text messages, as that is what emails were created for, nor do I play games on it. I have a perfectly good PC to play games on, which I keep in a safe place on the desk at home, which is where my free time would be spent if I had any. If I am out of home I am busy doing something, so games on my phone are no use to me. Nor do I use it as a Hi-Fi, as I have a good stereo in the car, or a proper MP3 player which sounds far better than the tinny speaker on a phone.

So, I have a very basic phone, and a Pay as you Go arrangement with Orange. That is to say I did have, but not any more. Orange boast several ways in which you can top up your PAYG phone.

1. You can top up on line via the interweb. No you can’t. You have to enter all your personal details, and a password, and your bank card details each time you log in. This is a pain because the website crashes constantly, and you have top start again each time. Then you have to associate your phone with an account. I have had the phone a long time, so it should already associate with my account. But it doesn’t. Apparently the tariff I am on no longer exists. So how did I use up my credit then? I have to chose a new tarriff, one of the Animal Plans. There is Dolphin, Monkey, Elephant and something else, I forget, possibly Rhino, but none of these suit my needs. They allow me Gigabytes so I can browse the web, which I don’t do on my phone, or I can Stream music on another plan, which I don’t do on my phone, and one does the washng up for me, or something. But there isn’t a plan to suit someoone who uses a mobile phone to make phone calls occasionally. Ignore this and top up anyway. My Credit Card details are incorrect. And so are my other credit card details. Also my debit card details. Having tried all three cards, having logged in several times and gone through the whole palaver I come to the conclusion that the interweb option is entirely disfunctional.

2. You can top up in supermarkets. All you need is the card that came with your SIM. Which I found in my wallet. On a trip to ASDA I tried to top up, but couldn’t, as my card has not been associated with the phone. How do you associate the top up card with the phone. Well you ring from the phone (which has no credit on it) or you do it on the interweb site which isn’t working properly.

3. You can top up at a cashpoint. All you need is the card that came with your SIM. Which I found in my wallet……… oh, that sounds familiar. Do I need to assocaite the card with my account first? Yes. And you do that by ringing from the phone (which has no credit on it) or you do it on the interweb site which isn’t working properly.

Now I appreciate that as a low user I only put about £30 credit on my phone in a year, but surely it should be simpler than this? How do other people cope? It took me the best part of two hours and I still got nowhere.

I concluded it would be easier to buy a new SIM card, but then I had a stroke of genius. In an old PDA which I rarely use I had another SIM card, and what’s more it had credit already on it, a whole £1.38 worth, which ought to last me a couple of months. An even greater stroke of luck is that it was a Virgin SIM, and a qucik visit to their website had me a £10 top up completed in under 30 seconds. I have no idea what the tariff is compared with the tariff that doesn’t exist for Orange anymore, but it certainly doesn’t involve animals permitting you to do incomprehensible things for stupid reasons.

So, the future, in the short term at least, is Virgin, and Orange will not be getting my custom back unless they sort out their issues. I know the loss of £30 income won’t have the shareholders shaking in their boots, but I feel better for making them suffer even a tiny bit.

*Note that I have written this entire article without any smutty inuendo. I could have made all sorts of peurile gaffs about the number of Virgins I’ve had or how I used a Virgin, but I resisted.

Euro crisis

Did I really see what I thought I saw on the news last night? With the future of the EU in crisis, the viability of the Euro currency teetering on the brink, jobs across Europe in jeopardy and the very foundations of our economic survival in ruins, did I really see our political leaders sitting down to a silver service multicourse dinner to resolve the crisis? How much did that cost us? The news clip saw a lackey ironing the huge table cloth in situ, on the table, then another setting the tablel with gods alone knows how many silver knives and forks for the multiple courses they were going to be served.
It really does smack of the "let then eat cake" attitude during the French revolution. Whilst our Government are gorging themselves, I, like many other hard working Britons, am struggling to pay the ASDA bill most months. Wouldn't it have been more fitting for them to have gone to a local pub, two eat for a tenner deal, to discuss the economic strife they have gotten us into?
They really do live in a different world. But them, have you heard any announcements about pay freezes or job loses for politicians? Have they volunteered to increase their (currently free) pension contributions?
No. I though not.

Credit crunch Christmas

Jesus, I am told, was born of lowly birth, in a stable, because despite having a trade and being a reasonably proficient carpenter, his dad didn't realise all the hotels would be booked up at Christmas, and as a result, his son, son of God or not, was born in a stable. he did quite well out of the baby shower, with Gold, frankincense and Mirh, but little by way of practical gifts like nappies or Johnson's baby lotion.

He would however have I am sure, empathised with my financial predicament this year. My children, wife and extended family are doubtless expecting expensive presents, as ever for Christmas. To be fair my children and wife usually fair reasonably well, whilst my siblings and their offspring get a token gift, befitting of the Christmas Spirit. I never received lavish gifts as a kid, and to be honest I can't afford to give them most years - I have a big extended family, so they all get a bottle of wine, a tin of biscuits or some chocolates or some such token gesture

This has been affordable most years, although some expect more I'm sure. The Problem is that the all believe I am wealthy. A Police Officer earns loads. Well, truth be known we don't. On the surface we do, but try getting your partner a job that fits around you shifts and school hours. So effectively you become the sole earner for the family. If both Jennifer and I earned £25000 a year we'd be better off than the £31000 I earn on my own. Take away 11% of that in pension contributions, and it starts to look even less appealing. A basic month with no overtime brings around £1800 into the household finances and with £1000 a month spent on the mortgage, two cars to run, electric, gas, water, council tax etc it is only overtime that keeps the wolf from the door.

Now for the past six or seven years we have been paid a one off annual Special Priority Payment. This is supposed to compensate for working 24/7 shifts, having your life disrupted by shifts swinging around to start at 4 a.m. for industrial disputes for example, or dealing with dead bodies in pieces after an accident. It;s an over and above the call of duty payment, which officers working 9 to 5 and getting every weekend off, and always being off on time don't get. It make sup for the regular 1/2 hour unpaid overtime we do at the end of every shift, plus the 1/2 hour most of us put in at the start of a shift too.

For the last 6 or 7 years this payment has averaged £1600 and provided a welcome bonus at Christmas to settle the credit cards, or pay for next years holiday, or simply to make an extra months payment on the mortgage. And it has always been tax free.

Well guess what? This year the Government has reneged on the deal (no surprise there then) and we have been capped at £500, which they have then taxed. The end result is I am now skint for Christmas and will be having sausages and a SmartPrice Malt Loaf instead of the Turkey and Christmas Pudding i had planned on.

And regrettably, the extended family will get a Christmas Card and no presents. Times are hard, but my immediate family must come first, and my priority remains paying off my mortgage before I retire. Although to be fair to the Government they have helped me out there....... I am unlikely to be able to afford to retire now until I am 67, so I have longer to pay. Thanks.