Germans are unable to say the word squirrel. So is my son. He can say square, screws, and scoundrel with no difficulty, but is unavble to say squirrel. I conclude therefore that he must be German.
Tuesday, 31 January 2012
Wednesday, 18 January 2012
Use the on switch
Many months ago I was issued a PDA for use at work. I suppose at some time I must have switched it on. I say I must have done, because presumably it was off when it came out of the box and i read the instructions on how it works. Well I say read the instructions, but what I mean is I read the bare minimum to make it light up and then figured out the rest from there. I refuse to read any instruction manual that is bigger than the item it supports.
Now this may sound strange to some, but the truth is that having turned it on I have never turned it off again. The battery is good for about 36 hours, and as I work 10 or 12 hour days I am never away from home, or at least a charging facility, be it the car, the office or a hotel for more than say 14 hours, and so it is either in use, or in the charger recharging, but left on whilst it does this.
So when it suddenly went black screened the other day and wouldn't respond to the usual tickle on the touch screen to wake it up I feared the worse. A soft reboot failed to wake it, and I assummed that a battery failure had occurred. Charging it by USB failed to restore it, as did an overnight charge, and the subsequent 24 hour charge. No matter what buttons I pressed it remained dormant.
So with a heavy heart I took it to our Communications Branch for their technician to look at it. "What's wrong with it?" he enquired. "Aha," I replied, with an air of smugness, anticipating the moment I could reveal, with confidence that I, a mere mortal had diagnosed battery failure, "That is for you to tell me, I am but a simple operator, you are the technician."
All smugness was wiped away when he immediately switched the bloody thing on with no problem and it worked perfectly. And the secret? He simply used the on-off switch.
In my defence, your honour, nobody told me you have to press and hold for about 5 seconds.
Stupid piece of junk. I'm sure I'd be better off with an abacus.
Now this may sound strange to some, but the truth is that having turned it on I have never turned it off again. The battery is good for about 36 hours, and as I work 10 or 12 hour days I am never away from home, or at least a charging facility, be it the car, the office or a hotel for more than say 14 hours, and so it is either in use, or in the charger recharging, but left on whilst it does this.
So when it suddenly went black screened the other day and wouldn't respond to the usual tickle on the touch screen to wake it up I feared the worse. A soft reboot failed to wake it, and I assummed that a battery failure had occurred. Charging it by USB failed to restore it, as did an overnight charge, and the subsequent 24 hour charge. No matter what buttons I pressed it remained dormant.
So with a heavy heart I took it to our Communications Branch for their technician to look at it. "What's wrong with it?" he enquired. "Aha," I replied, with an air of smugness, anticipating the moment I could reveal, with confidence that I, a mere mortal had diagnosed battery failure, "That is for you to tell me, I am but a simple operator, you are the technician."
All smugness was wiped away when he immediately switched the bloody thing on with no problem and it worked perfectly. And the secret? He simply used the on-off switch.
In my defence, your honour, nobody told me you have to press and hold for about 5 seconds.
Stupid piece of junk. I'm sure I'd be better off with an abacus.
Red or Green?
There are currently a set of temporary traffic lights on a major road junction in my home town of hull, due I think to the main traffic lights being upgraded. Because this is a major junction which already had white "Stop" line markings in theory no additional signage is needed, however the contractors have placed out the signs they always place at temporary roadworks, which are normally a legal requirement as there is no painted white stop line. Following so far?
You will no doubt be familiar with the signs, whcih read "STOP HERE WHEN RED LIGHT SHOWS." All well and good, a clear and concise message we are all familiar with. However, on the other side of the road is a similar red sign with white lettering but bearing the message "WAIT HERE UNTIL GREEN LIGHT SHOWS" Essentially the same message, the result is the same you would think. But is it? The wording of the firts sign is the approved wording we all know and love (or hate in many cases) The wording of the second sign is however, probably the safer of the two. Imagine the situation whereby the red bulb in the traffic light system fails. Following the wording of the first sign there is now no red light showing, and the other lamps are also all off. The driver then takes it literally and drives on - no red light is showing. Now imagine the same scenario with second sign. No red light is showing, BUT no green light is showing either, and until it does, following the direction of the sign you cannot move off. Much safer surely? And if the green lamp bulb were to fail, it is still safer - you would eventually get frustrated as no green light is showing, but you could not pass into danger.
Whilst I doubt the legality of the wording of the second sign, and I have to admit in 26 years of driving I have never seen it before, you just cannot fault the logic.One of those occasions were somebody got it wrong to be so right.
You will no doubt be familiar with the signs, whcih read "STOP HERE WHEN RED LIGHT SHOWS." All well and good, a clear and concise message we are all familiar with. However, on the other side of the road is a similar red sign with white lettering but bearing the message "WAIT HERE UNTIL GREEN LIGHT SHOWS" Essentially the same message, the result is the same you would think. But is it? The wording of the firts sign is the approved wording we all know and love (or hate in many cases) The wording of the second sign is however, probably the safer of the two. Imagine the situation whereby the red bulb in the traffic light system fails. Following the wording of the first sign there is now no red light showing, and the other lamps are also all off. The driver then takes it literally and drives on - no red light is showing. Now imagine the same scenario with second sign. No red light is showing, BUT no green light is showing either, and until it does, following the direction of the sign you cannot move off. Much safer surely? And if the green lamp bulb were to fail, it is still safer - you would eventually get frustrated as no green light is showing, but you could not pass into danger.
Whilst I doubt the legality of the wording of the second sign, and I have to admit in 26 years of driving I have never seen it before, you just cannot fault the logic.One of those occasions were somebody got it wrong to be so right.
Money matters
It’s that time of year when the post and my email in box are weighted down by letters from the bank encouraging me to switch credit cards and consolidate debt. Some are mildly threatening, some are pure menacing, but all imply I would be better off transferring my irresponsible Christmas spending to their product. Sadly for them I did not max out my credit cards and actually ended the year on a reasonably stable financial footing. Admittedly we did not blow huge chunks of money on Expensive presents, but we still managed to enjoy the true spirit of a family Christmas never the less. Consequently I can laugh off these letters from the bank, whilst others will undoubtedly fall for the balance transfer scheme, suckered in by a short term rate reduction and overlooking the 5% transfer fee which cancels out the savings.
Also in the post is a raft, or possibly a ramp of the usual “sell your unwanted CD’s” and cash in your gold type leaflets. Whilst I will admit that my musical tastes have changed a little over the last few years I don’t have that many unwanted CD’s. Those that I did have were long since consigned to the bin, on the grounds that I didn’t want them, and that if I thought they were crap it was the responsible thing to do. Why foist my poor musical tastes onto someone else? That is Radio Ones job.
It’s all the unwanted gold around the house that causes me the problem. Some days I just don’t know what to do with it. I have a brick of it I use as a doorstop, and a coupel of ingots I use as paperweights, then there’s the gold leaf I use as toilet paper……….. No I’ imagined that. Does anyone ever have “unwanted” gold around the house?
However the most unbelievable advert was on television last night. This is the advert for “The money Advice Service” (www.moneyadviceservice.org.uk/) This apparently is a website set up by the government to advise you and I about money matters. Excuse me? Is this the same government that over a ten year period got us into billions of pounds worth of debt without noticing? The same government that is cutting the budgets for education, health, policing, and essential public services whilst continuing to send overseas aid by the millions to other countries? The same government which in a time of recession is cutting pay for everyone, and raising social security payments over and above infaltion? Isn’t that like taking life coaching lessons from a racist homophobic masocistic suicidal manic depressive tyranical egomaniac in the hopes of reaching heaven?
I just had a quick glance through the website and one gem of advice is ……
”Plan for annual payments - Keep track of when annual payments are due, such as insurance policies, TV licence, car tax and MOT. This gives you time to shop around and get the best deal, and stops you paying late-payment charges.”
Right. So I can shop around for a better deal on my TV licence can I? So far as I remember there are two choices, buy one, or not. And if you don’t buy one a large footed policeman can kick you door down so the nice man in the shiny van can point at your TV and say “Aha….gotcha. Here’s a large fine for having the audacity to aspire to television ownership in the 21st century.” And you have to pay for the new door too. Not exactly a money saving tip.
So, here are Martins money saving tips to help you through the recession. Not very helpful I know, but better than the government advice.
How to save money in the economic recession.
1. “The three free esses”. Shower Shave and Shit. Shower at work. Whilst it is well known that the cost of a shower is far less than the cost of a bath, few people take advantage of free showers at work, which are cheaper still. Save money on heating water, and on the water bill itself by showering at work. Shave at work and you shave a little more off your hot water bill, plus you can plug your shaver in for free too, saving a fraction of your electricity bill. Whilst you’re at it, take a dump at work too. Not only do you save the cost of a flush, but also the cost of the paper. Assuming you take a dump once a day each day you are at work that’s around 224 lots of paper at say 4 wipes with three sheets of paper (double ply) = 2688 sheets of toilet paper saved, at an average of 220 sheets per roll, a minimum saving of 12 rolls of toilet per year, at a cost of around £6 to £8, depending on brand. As a well known supermarket chain says - every little helps. An added benefit is that you can do it on job time and get an extra break that makes up for missing your lunch hour - see below.
2. Cycle to work – save ££££’s Lose Lbs.
3. Get a free lift home by injuring yourself at work. (downside – you will need to get an expensive taxi back sometime to collect your own car)
4. Earn £££££’s by being rude and aggressive to people, then get smacked and claim compensation.
5. Get free food by going into Supermarkets just before they close and asking them what they are discounting heavily just before they throw it all out. A ½ price fresh roasted ½ chicken may sound like a bargain, but haggle them down and you can get a whole roast chicken for just 50p if you are a cheeky bastard with no morals.
6. Fill up your water bottle at the cooler instead of buying Evian at inflated prices you pretentious twat. (Am I the only one to have noticed that Evian is Naive spelled backwards?)
7. Save money on pens by visiting betting shops and Argos regularly and nicking theirs. It’s not theft, they are promotional giveaways officer.
8. Browse the internet for free at work.
9. Sell your unwanted Items on Ebay to raise extra Cash.
10. Always take the shortest possible route to save petrol and drive at the most economical speed – 56 mph is good. (Plan the route around speed cameras though, otherwise you have to pay fines)
11. Avoid speed camera fines by a simple admin error. Change your car registration number by a single digit then claim all innocence when found out.
12. Save money on lunches by working through your lunch hour. Your boss will love you for it.
13. Save unnecessary wear on your shoe leather by spending your entire career behind a desk.
14. Increase your earning potential and avoid working time directive conflicts by chucking a sicky the day before your next day off, then working your day off at double time.
15. Shreddings from the paper shredder make ideal pet bedding. Pointlessly print off reams of reports, in order to ensure a ready supply of used paper for shredding and save £££££’s at the Petshop.
16. Take up smoking for a very short period - one cigarette will do. According to Govermnent advice giving up smoking not only has great health benefits, but will save you thousands of pounds too. So you can be instantly better off just by having a crafty fag. And healthier too. I personally give up smoking several times a day, and feel so much better for it. Can't say I'm any richer though, but then I strongly beleive that the government lie to us.
Also in the post is a raft, or possibly a ramp of the usual “sell your unwanted CD’s” and cash in your gold type leaflets. Whilst I will admit that my musical tastes have changed a little over the last few years I don’t have that many unwanted CD’s. Those that I did have were long since consigned to the bin, on the grounds that I didn’t want them, and that if I thought they were crap it was the responsible thing to do. Why foist my poor musical tastes onto someone else? That is Radio Ones job.
It’s all the unwanted gold around the house that causes me the problem. Some days I just don’t know what to do with it. I have a brick of it I use as a doorstop, and a coupel of ingots I use as paperweights, then there’s the gold leaf I use as toilet paper……….. No I’ imagined that. Does anyone ever have “unwanted” gold around the house?
However the most unbelievable advert was on television last night. This is the advert for “The money Advice Service” (www.moneyadviceservice.org.uk/) This apparently is a website set up by the government to advise you and I about money matters. Excuse me? Is this the same government that over a ten year period got us into billions of pounds worth of debt without noticing? The same government that is cutting the budgets for education, health, policing, and essential public services whilst continuing to send overseas aid by the millions to other countries? The same government which in a time of recession is cutting pay for everyone, and raising social security payments over and above infaltion? Isn’t that like taking life coaching lessons from a racist homophobic masocistic suicidal manic depressive tyranical egomaniac in the hopes of reaching heaven?
I just had a quick glance through the website and one gem of advice is ……
”Plan for annual payments - Keep track of when annual payments are due, such as insurance policies, TV licence, car tax and MOT. This gives you time to shop around and get the best deal, and stops you paying late-payment charges.”
Right. So I can shop around for a better deal on my TV licence can I? So far as I remember there are two choices, buy one, or not. And if you don’t buy one a large footed policeman can kick you door down so the nice man in the shiny van can point at your TV and say “Aha….gotcha. Here’s a large fine for having the audacity to aspire to television ownership in the 21st century.” And you have to pay for the new door too. Not exactly a money saving tip.
So, here are Martins money saving tips to help you through the recession. Not very helpful I know, but better than the government advice.
How to save money in the economic recession.
1. “The three free esses”. Shower Shave and Shit. Shower at work. Whilst it is well known that the cost of a shower is far less than the cost of a bath, few people take advantage of free showers at work, which are cheaper still. Save money on heating water, and on the water bill itself by showering at work. Shave at work and you shave a little more off your hot water bill, plus you can plug your shaver in for free too, saving a fraction of your electricity bill. Whilst you’re at it, take a dump at work too. Not only do you save the cost of a flush, but also the cost of the paper. Assuming you take a dump once a day each day you are at work that’s around 224 lots of paper at say 4 wipes with three sheets of paper (double ply) = 2688 sheets of toilet paper saved, at an average of 220 sheets per roll, a minimum saving of 12 rolls of toilet per year, at a cost of around £6 to £8, depending on brand. As a well known supermarket chain says - every little helps. An added benefit is that you can do it on job time and get an extra break that makes up for missing your lunch hour - see below.
2. Cycle to work – save ££££’s Lose Lbs.
3. Get a free lift home by injuring yourself at work. (downside – you will need to get an expensive taxi back sometime to collect your own car)
4. Earn £££££’s by being rude and aggressive to people, then get smacked and claim compensation.
5. Get free food by going into Supermarkets just before they close and asking them what they are discounting heavily just before they throw it all out. A ½ price fresh roasted ½ chicken may sound like a bargain, but haggle them down and you can get a whole roast chicken for just 50p if you are a cheeky bastard with no morals.
6. Fill up your water bottle at the cooler instead of buying Evian at inflated prices you pretentious twat. (Am I the only one to have noticed that Evian is Naive spelled backwards?)
7. Save money on pens by visiting betting shops and Argos regularly and nicking theirs. It’s not theft, they are promotional giveaways officer.
8. Browse the internet for free at work.
9. Sell your unwanted Items on Ebay to raise extra Cash.
10. Always take the shortest possible route to save petrol and drive at the most economical speed – 56 mph is good. (Plan the route around speed cameras though, otherwise you have to pay fines)
11. Avoid speed camera fines by a simple admin error. Change your car registration number by a single digit then claim all innocence when found out.
12. Save money on lunches by working through your lunch hour. Your boss will love you for it.
13. Save unnecessary wear on your shoe leather by spending your entire career behind a desk.
14. Increase your earning potential and avoid working time directive conflicts by chucking a sicky the day before your next day off, then working your day off at double time.
15. Shreddings from the paper shredder make ideal pet bedding. Pointlessly print off reams of reports, in order to ensure a ready supply of used paper for shredding and save £££££’s at the Petshop.
16. Take up smoking for a very short period - one cigarette will do. According to Govermnent advice giving up smoking not only has great health benefits, but will save you thousands of pounds too. So you can be instantly better off just by having a crafty fag. And healthier too. I personally give up smoking several times a day, and feel so much better for it. Can't say I'm any richer though, but then I strongly beleive that the government lie to us.
Monday, 9 January 2012
More on Global Warming
Around seventeen years ago when I moved into this house I spent the back end of the summer laying waste to the garden, which had gone to, well….. waste. I planted all sorts of seeds and plants and stuff, trimmed and tended the better looking stuff which I was assured was not weeds and generally made it presentable. This intense activity wore out my enthusiasm for gardening for several years thereafter and other than mowing the lawn and keeping the trees down to a reasonable height I did little else until last year. That suits me, as it only means a couple of hours graft once every couple of weeks during the summer.
During that early frenzy of horticulture I planted a few Strawberry plants. It was too late for them to fruit that year, but the following year they bore a smattering of delicious red berries during the summer. They then brought forth a further bounty of berries in the late autumn, with the last being picked on the 1st November, which I thought was interesting, but inconsequential. How wrong I was. Global warming was invented. Now some would present a crop of strawberries in November as irrefutable proof of global warming. I however chose to consider it proof of no such thing. This was after all, an immature strawberry plant. It had been a strawberry plant for less than a year; It didn’t know any better. It has of course since learnt that strawberry plants only fruit for a two week period in the middle of June, and it refuses to produce fruit properly even then. It wasn’t as if it was a particularly warm autumn either.
If anything I would attribute the late autumn crop to nothing more than nature doing what it does. It tries new things. If left alone long enough nature will throw up autumn fruiting strawberries eventually, and possibly even frozen strawberries to go with your Christmas dinner. This is not proof of global warming any more than a seven year old boy who sticks his fingers into the electrical socket to see what happens. Seven year old boys, and nature, left unattended for any length of time will get up to all sorts of things, often with sticky or explosive results.
However I am reluctantly going to have to accept that there might be something in this global warming nonsense after all. This time last year I was shovelling 3 foot of snow off the drive to get the car out to go to work. This year it seems we haven’t had a winter at all, just a prolonged Autumn with several false springs in the middle of it. And this means that despite having mowed the lawn twice in November I now have to face the prospect of mowing it again in January. In January for Bob’s sake!
And that leaves me in a quandary. For if the doom-mongers are to be believed global warming is caused by burning petrol and making electricity. I have two lawn mowers. And you’ve guessed it, one is petrol, one is electric. So I either face the wrath of my neighbours, who have started making tutting noises as they walk past my house, an action which is only one step back from a formal petition in a small community like this. Or I cut the lawn. But if I do that I am simply perpetuating the cycle of global warming, using more petrol and more electricity, causing the temperature to rise and the grass to grow quicker, longer and even further into the winter season.
The only socially acceptable option would be to go out there with a pair of scissors.
But can any of the global warming experts explain with honesty, logic, science and facts why last year it was snow, and this year it is grass that is taking up my leisure time?
During that early frenzy of horticulture I planted a few Strawberry plants. It was too late for them to fruit that year, but the following year they bore a smattering of delicious red berries during the summer. They then brought forth a further bounty of berries in the late autumn, with the last being picked on the 1st November, which I thought was interesting, but inconsequential. How wrong I was. Global warming was invented. Now some would present a crop of strawberries in November as irrefutable proof of global warming. I however chose to consider it proof of no such thing. This was after all, an immature strawberry plant. It had been a strawberry plant for less than a year; It didn’t know any better. It has of course since learnt that strawberry plants only fruit for a two week period in the middle of June, and it refuses to produce fruit properly even then. It wasn’t as if it was a particularly warm autumn either.
If anything I would attribute the late autumn crop to nothing more than nature doing what it does. It tries new things. If left alone long enough nature will throw up autumn fruiting strawberries eventually, and possibly even frozen strawberries to go with your Christmas dinner. This is not proof of global warming any more than a seven year old boy who sticks his fingers into the electrical socket to see what happens. Seven year old boys, and nature, left unattended for any length of time will get up to all sorts of things, often with sticky or explosive results.
However I am reluctantly going to have to accept that there might be something in this global warming nonsense after all. This time last year I was shovelling 3 foot of snow off the drive to get the car out to go to work. This year it seems we haven’t had a winter at all, just a prolonged Autumn with several false springs in the middle of it. And this means that despite having mowed the lawn twice in November I now have to face the prospect of mowing it again in January. In January for Bob’s sake!
And that leaves me in a quandary. For if the doom-mongers are to be believed global warming is caused by burning petrol and making electricity. I have two lawn mowers. And you’ve guessed it, one is petrol, one is electric. So I either face the wrath of my neighbours, who have started making tutting noises as they walk past my house, an action which is only one step back from a formal petition in a small community like this. Or I cut the lawn. But if I do that I am simply perpetuating the cycle of global warming, using more petrol and more electricity, causing the temperature to rise and the grass to grow quicker, longer and even further into the winter season.
The only socially acceptable option would be to go out there with a pair of scissors.
But can any of the global warming experts explain with honesty, logic, science and facts why last year it was snow, and this year it is grass that is taking up my leisure time?