Whatever the weather, enjoy your garden

Alan Titchmarsh often ended gardeners world saying, "Whatever the weather enjoy your garden." A cover all expression which is completely harmless and says it all really - just try to make the best of it. A very British spirit. What annoys me however is the British Press and the way they report the weather. Only a few weeks since we had "the worse winter on record" we are now having "the hottest April since 1859" So we had hotter ones recoded before then did we? Right, so there's proof of global cooling. We haven't had a warmer April for 150 years. According to our local Press Brits are flocking to the beaches to enjoy the sun, topping up their tans on Bridlington beach where it is hotter than Spain. Now let's get a few things clear shall we? It is midweek, so the only people going to the beach are Mable and Bernard, the retired couple in their Austin Maestro, and the idle rich, otherwise known as benefit claimants, who will be driving 4x4's and people carriers, because for some reason those who claim motability benefits always have an oversize family, a large dog and an outdoor lifestyle that us able bodied working folk can never aspire to. They will probably be towing a jet ski as well. So the idea of Brits rushing to the seaside is silly - they will be restricted to 50 mph at best, and probably no more than 35 if they get caught behind Bernard. Another thing for the record is that Brits do not "enjoy" hot weather. Or indeed any weather at all. They "endure" it. They complain about it. Even now there will be gardeners complaining that their seedlings are dying off in the unseasonal heat and longing for some rain because the lawn could really use it you know. The same folk who complained about the bitter cold only six weeks ago are now complaining it's too hot. It's the British way. And as for topping up tans - pah! The British do not top up tans. No no no. The first time the sun breaks cover they strip off and lie under the sun for as long as they possibly can, in the firm and unshakable belief that this day is summer, and the sun will not shine again until next year. Consequently the end up sunburned, lobster red and in agony. Given the chance they will take in their annual does of UV in a single session. And if by some fluke of the English weather it happens again tomorrow they will do exactly the same again. English people do not tan - they are pasty white, lobster red, or lobster red and peeling - which is not appealing. The exception to this rule will be Bernard, who will resolutely refuse to take off his jacket, no matter how hot it gets, but as a token concession to the heat will roll up his trouser legs and place his handkerchief in his head as protection from the sun. Bernards are now sadly a dying breed, as the next generation takes over and his like are replaced by Peter Stringfellows, dyed blond haired pensioners in G strings and Mazda MX5's. And that's not at all British. One final word on Britain in a heatwave. The Barbeque or if you are under 25 the BBQ. Barbeque's, as I've previously related, is an ancient aboriginal word, which literally translates as "meat badly cooked, burnt on the outside raw in the middle, best eaten drunk." The one sure fire way to break a heatwave and ensure a period of prolonged rain is to have a barbeque. So I urge you all. Do not go (or flock) to the beach, do not top up your tan (or get sunburnt) and on no account light the barbeque. And maybe, just maybe, we will get a decent summer this year. Whatever the weather, enjoy your garden.