I don't understand my wife

Yes, the above is true. Rather than my wife doesn't undertstand me, I have coem to accept that the reverse is true. I am well known for my plain speaking. I call a spade a spade. Some call it a manual digging implement. I call it a spade. A black man is a black man. He is not coloured, nor is he a native African - particularly if it turns out he was born in Romford. I strive to make my meaning clear. And simple.

This makes it difficult living with a woman, my wife in particular, because although she speaks English she uses codes all the time. Thsi would not present a problem if I understood the code, as I speak in various coides all day at work, but her code is different, and the meaning changes from one day to another. Allow me to erudicate further;

An example. If a man were to ask "What do you have planned for Friday?" this woudl be a simple social enquiry as to what you have planned for Friday. An answer would be given, such as "I thought we might have a barbeque and maybe watch a DVD afterwards." If this conversation was between two men, the topic would then be closed. Both would understand that a barbeque woudl happen, followed by a DVD. Not so with women. If a woman asks "What do you have planned for Friday?" this means "I have planned something for Friday so whatever you thought you were doing cancel it." The topic is not open for discusssion - the decision has been made. So whatever answer you give is irrelevent, because you will then be told what you will be doing. As in, "Oh, well I thought we could go out for a meal and meet with X and Y afterwards" (X being her best friend and Y being her best friends boyfriend/partner, who according to her logic you will get on with like a house on fire, even though he/she is duller than a week in Putney)

At least in that situation you are told what will be occuring. Much more cryptic is the opening gambit "I need to go shopping tommorow." Setting aside the whole issue of want and need which women are incapable of differentiating, this is simply a statement. She wants to go shopping, and the time she wants to go shopping is tommorow. It is not that simple though. In her world the message is clear. She wants to go shopping, with you, you will drive and carry all the bags, and the credit card which will be used will be yours. But it's not that simple either, because that's what it meant last week. This week it means she wants to go shopping with her friends, and that you are required to stay home and look after the kids. Even if she choses to let slip some further information it will be implied, and disguised as a question. "What time do the shops open on Sundays?" Aha, I can help with that one, with my in depth man-knowledge of Sunday trading hours. 10 until 4. But this in her mind means that I have now agreed to dedicate the whole of that period from 10 a.m. until 4 p.m. to shopping (or looking after the kids) My interpretation however is that at some point during that six hour period she will wish to visit one or more shops. I await further information but none comes.
If a man were deleivring this information he would say simply and in a straightforward manner - "I'm going to the shops tommorow, at ten o'clock. You can come if you like, bring the kids with us. I'll drive." Actually no he wouldn't because a) he would take it as read that she would expect him to drive, and b) unless he was a gay man he wouldn't volunteer to go to the shops, but the theory stands.
In short I think what I'm trying to say is that women need to speak more clearly and tell us what they want. My car needs washing is a statement. I understand the car is dirty. I do not know if you intend to clean it, if you want me to do it, if you are just making conversation or if you want to buy a new one. "Will you wash my car?" is five simply words and will achieve the result you are looking for. I know what is required of me. No need for please or thank you, just say what you want and it will happen. Just don't be so bloody English about it.