Money matters

It’s that time of year when the post and my email in box are weighted down by letters from the bank encouraging me to switch credit cards and consolidate debt. Some are mildly threatening, some are pure menacing, but all imply I would be better off transferring my irresponsible Christmas spending to their product. Sadly for them I did not max out my credit cards and actually ended the year on a reasonably stable financial footing. Admittedly we did not blow huge chunks of money on Expensive presents, but we still managed to enjoy the true spirit of a family Christmas never the less. Consequently I can laugh off these letters from the bank, whilst others will undoubtedly fall for the balance transfer scheme, suckered in by a short term rate reduction and overlooking the 5% transfer fee which cancels out the savings.


Also in the post is a raft, or possibly a ramp of the usual “sell your unwanted CD’s” and cash in your gold type leaflets. Whilst I will admit that my musical tastes have changed a little over the last few years I don’t have that many unwanted CD’s. Those that I did have were long since consigned to the bin, on the grounds that I didn’t want them, and that if I thought they were crap it was the responsible thing to do. Why foist my poor musical tastes onto someone else? That is Radio Ones job.

It’s all the unwanted gold around the house that causes me the problem. Some days I just don’t know what to do with it. I have a brick of it I use as a doorstop, and a coupel of ingots I use as paperweights, then there’s the gold leaf I use as toilet paper……….. No I’ imagined that. Does anyone ever have “unwanted” gold around the house?

However the most unbelievable advert was on television last night. This is the advert for “The money Advice Service” (www.moneyadviceservice.org.uk/) This apparently is a website set up by the government to advise you and I about money matters. Excuse me? Is this the same government that over a ten year period got us into billions of pounds worth of debt without noticing? The same government that is cutting the budgets for education, health, policing, and essential public services whilst continuing to send overseas aid by the millions to other countries? The same government which in a time of recession is cutting pay for everyone, and raising social security payments over and above infaltion? Isn’t that like taking life coaching lessons from a racist homophobic masocistic suicidal manic depressive tyranical egomaniac in the hopes of reaching heaven?

I just had a quick glance through the website and one gem of advice is ……

”Plan for annual payments - Keep track of when annual payments are due, such as insurance policies, TV licence, car tax and MOT. This gives you time to shop around and get the best deal, and stops you paying late-payment charges.”

Right. So I can shop around for a better deal on my TV licence can I? So far as I remember there are two choices, buy one, or not. And if you don’t buy one a large footed policeman can kick you door down so the nice man in the shiny van can point at your TV and say “Aha….gotcha. Here’s a large fine for having the audacity to aspire to television ownership in the 21st century.” And you have to pay for the new door too. Not exactly a money saving tip.

So, here are Martins money saving tips to help you through the recession. Not very helpful I know, but better than the government advice.

How to save money in the economic recession.

1. “The three free esses”. Shower Shave and Shit. Shower at work. Whilst it is well known that the cost of a shower is far less than the cost of a bath, few people take advantage of free showers at work, which are cheaper still. Save money on heating water, and on the water bill itself by showering at work. Shave at work and you shave a little more off your hot water bill, plus you can plug your shaver in for free too, saving a fraction of your electricity bill. Whilst you’re at it, take a dump at work too. Not only do you save the cost of a flush, but also the cost of the paper. Assuming you take a dump once a day each day you are at work that’s around 224 lots of paper at say 4 wipes with three sheets of paper (double ply) = 2688 sheets of toilet paper saved, at an average of 220 sheets per roll, a minimum saving of 12 rolls of toilet per year, at a cost of around £6 to £8, depending on brand. As a well known supermarket chain says - every little helps. An added benefit is that you can do it on job time and get an extra break that makes up for missing your lunch hour - see below.

2. Cycle to work – save ££££’s Lose Lbs.

3. Get a free lift home by injuring yourself at work. (downside – you will need to get an expensive taxi back sometime to collect your own car)

4. Earn £££££’s by being rude and aggressive to people, then get smacked and claim compensation.

5. Get free food by going into Supermarkets just before they close and asking them what they are discounting heavily just before they throw it all out. A ½ price fresh roasted ½ chicken may sound like a bargain, but haggle them down and you can get a whole roast chicken for just 50p if you are a cheeky bastard with no morals.

6. Fill up your water bottle at the cooler instead of buying Evian at inflated prices you pretentious twat. (Am I the only one to have noticed that Evian is Naive spelled backwards?)

7. Save money on pens by visiting betting shops and Argos regularly and nicking theirs. It’s not theft, they are promotional giveaways officer.

8. Browse the internet for free at work.

9. Sell your unwanted Items on Ebay to raise extra Cash.

10. Always take the shortest possible route to save petrol and drive at the most economical speed – 56 mph is good. (Plan the route around speed cameras though, otherwise you have to pay fines)

11. Avoid speed camera fines by a simple admin error. Change your car registration number by a single digit then claim all innocence when found out.

12. Save money on lunches by working through your lunch hour. Your boss will love you for it.

13. Save unnecessary wear on your shoe leather by spending your entire career behind a desk.

14. Increase your earning potential and avoid working time directive conflicts by chucking a sicky the day before your next day off, then working your day off at double time.

15. Shreddings from the paper shredder make ideal pet bedding. Pointlessly print off reams of reports, in order to ensure a ready supply of used paper for shredding and save £££££’s at the Petshop.

16. Take up smoking for a very short period - one cigarette will do. According to Govermnent advice giving up smoking not only has great health benefits, but will save you thousands of pounds too. So you can be instantly better off just by having a crafty fag. And healthier too. I personally give up smoking several times a day, and feel so much better for it. Can't say I'm any richer though, but then I strongly beleive that the government lie to us.