A Nation of Dog Lovers?

Whilst walking to school this afternoon to collect my son, I spotted a notice which had been nailed to a fence by one of my distant neighbours across the other side of the village. The notice reads (not word for word, but to the effect) "If your dog shits on my garden again I will post it through your letterbox." This raised a few questions in my mind. He is either grammatically incorrect, or filled with great hatred for this dog. The way he has worded it, he will post the dog through the letterbox. Now, I don't know the breed of dog which is troubling him, but if it's leaving turds  of a size that have caused him to leave this threatening sign, I prepared to bet it's not a Yorkshire Terrier. And I would just love to see him try to cram a Great Dane through someones mail slot. It's at times like this I wish I could draw cartoons.
I presume his sign is merely badly worded and that he actually means to post the dog mess. I doubt however that Royal Mail will carry out such an operation. Some of the private postal companies might I suppose, but I doubt it. I once tried to post a Haggis, and it caused all sorts of problems. I got in such trouble once the bomb squad had finished. And anyway, if he knows the identity of the dog concerned why not go and speak civilly with the owner? My guess is he doesn't know, so, he'll have to scoop the poop and follow the unsuspecting owner back to his premises and do the dirty deed himself.
But hang on, that assumes the person with the dog is the owner. Supposing the dog is let out to "do it's business" and then simply follows some innocent member of the public home. Said innocent would then have shit posted through his door even though he's not the owner. Imagine the scene at breakfast time. "Anything in the post this morning dear?" - "No, darling, just the usual shit."
Dogs are of course mostly unnecessary, and if we did away with them it would solve this sort of problem.
I would permit only working dogs if I was King. Guide dogs for the blind and deaf, sheep dogs for shepherds, German Shepherds as Police dogs, sniffer dogs for customs, explosive sniffers for bomb disposals guys, that sort of thing. If we must have dogs as pets then limited breeds should be permitted. Labradors are okay as they are placid and their teeth fall out if they try to bite you, which they never do, and springer's are okay, if somewhat mental. Yorkshire Terriers. Oh dear, I am from Yorkshire and love all things Yorkshire except tea and terriers. Originally developed to chase rats down holes, they are all that a dog should not be - bittey little yappers, used as handbag ornaments by silly old ladies. In fact any dog which will tolerate being dressed up as a human, and is given presents at Christmas - straight into room 101 with them. Any dog developed for fighting - gone. Bulldogs - well Churchill has done his bit to make them look cute and cuddly, but ultimately they look like they need ironing, and they have that thing going on where they can;t let go once they've bitten you, so no, they go too. Greyhounds, apart from being neurotic, are too spindly, although I suppose they perform a useful purpose in diverting racing fans from the horses and are cheaper to run (no pun intended) so they can stay for now, purely as racing animals, not as pets though.
The St Bernard, reknown the world over for bringing alcoholic beverages to people lost in avalanches - creditable behaviour in a dog, so despite it's massive size it can remain. The Dulux dog goes though. How the hell did such a shaggy dog get to advertise paint? Whenever I paint it's bad enough with the bristles coming out of the brushes, without a moulting dog the size of a cow mooching about the room, loosing hair all over the fresh paint. And the Dalmatian, a lazy greyhound in a spotty coat - what's that all about?
Despite what you might think I do not hate dogs. as a kid we had miniature Shetland sheepdogs, an offshoot breed of the Collie, and if I ever consider keeping miniature sheep I'd have another one like a shot. but there has to be a good reason for having a dog. If you simply want a pet, get a goldfish - far simpler, easier to look after, and instead of it's shit being a problem, when it dies it becomes a problem with the shit - you flush it down the bog. Try doing that with a Great Dane.
I would encourage one particular dog over and above all others though - the mutt. The mutt is the prototype for what we will all become once ethnic mixing has been with us a few more generations. And whilst every breed of dog has it's own problems, the mongrel remains healthy, smart and fast enough to get away when it craps on your lawn.