Yesterday I had to take the girl child for new shoes and boots for school. This filled me with dread. During the summer I tried to buy some sensible shoes for myself. In any shoe shop there will be a ratio of around 16:1 womens shoes to mens shoes. The same applies to the clothing department. Do women have more feet than men? and do they really need 16 x the amount of sweaters, jeans and shirts? Clearly they do, because whilst I make do with two very thin wardrobes and four drawers my wife has two double sized wardrobes and 8 drawers. Anyway, in the quest for sensible mens shoes I visited several shops and eventually secured a pair, albeit in Amsterdam. I didn't travel overseas specifically, you understand, I just happened to be there and popped into that old British stalwart C & A (which we no longer have in the UK) and found a nice sensible pair of shoes. This cannot be done in the UK, or at least it couldn't during the summer, both Tescos and Asda have a good range of shoes now I no longer need them.
Anyway, I digress, the issue was shoes for the girl child. Girl child has grown out of her old shoes. Girl child has reached the age when she hovers between girls shoes and lady shoes in size. Head boss at school has strict guidelines as to what girl children may wear on their feet. This makes it almost impossible to buy shoes for the girl child. Girl child is at impressionable age where every shop she enters has something she simply must buy/wear/try on/discuss at length/drool over. This makes Dad man very impatient, particularly as a species known as "Christmas shopping Zombie" has descended upon the shopping centres. We will discuss christmas shopping zombies in detail later. After an hour of aimlessly perusing stores Dad man introduced girl child to a revolutionary concept known as Dad shopping. This involves going into the shop straight to the shoes and making an immediate assessment of suitable shoe availability. i.e is it black, is it shiny leather, does it have a flat heel and is it size 4. If the answer is no, then move on to the next shop. You have sixty seconds to decide. Using this simple formula we were able to visit around 16 shops within the remainder of two hour period allocated in my day as "Shoe shopping time." and we were able to secure said pair of boots and shoes for the princely sum of £35 total. Although I almost had a Sean* when I saw the price of one likely pair of boots at £129.99 (reduced) Luckily girl child decided she didn't like the zip up the back. This made Dad man happy, and daughter, at the tender age of 13 is now equipped with the understanding of shopping without being brainwashed by consumerism. This will make her future husband very happy. I can foresee a time in her later life buying a sofa suite in 30 seconds on the basis that it is wipe clean, comfortable and can seat six, without being hypnotised by the myriad of swirly patterns or her mind melting in chintz.
And so onto the aforementioned Christmas Shopping Zombies. They were out in force yesterday, and earlier than usual. The CSZ do not move quickly. They are unable to make decisions, and move in huge packs, the basic CSZ comprising of an adult male, adult female and up to four little CSZ, the smaller ones admittedly being a little more animated than their parents. But the CSZ also come in mixed social groups, and can comprise of anything up to 15 females in a pack, or two or three mixed couples. What would appear to be the dominant male in any pack is immediately recognizable in that he will be carrying all the bags. He will also have the emptiest wallet and the biggest credit card bill. Even when they cease shopping to drink Costa Coffee, he will be readily identified as the one paying for the coffee, and by the red lines across his palms cause by carrying heavy plastic carriers all day. Is i beyond the wit of mankind to develop a bag that doesn't attempt to sever fingers? We can make them dolphin friendly, why can't we make them human friendly? At least one CSZ in any group will be taking orders from a command centre somewhere via a mobile phone. They will attempt to relay commands in an over animated and piercingly loud voice to others within the group. Their voice is in fact at such a volume that the phone is often unnecessary. Tarquin would be thrilled to open his surprise present on Christmas Day if a) it wasn't socks (again) and b)he hadn't overheard from the other side of the shopping centre that that was what he was getting.
The CSZ once on the move, will move erratically and slowly, picking up goods at random, and as often as not, putting them down IN THE WRONG PLACE. They will circle, stop suddenly, repeat a route for no obvious reason, appear as if about to turn left then go right, and then go left, or suddenly walk backwards. All behaviours that we would not tolerate if we were driving. Yet we apologise to them when we suddenly bump into them or trip over them, or are poked in the eye by their umbrella (don't get me started on umbrellas) And being British, if they apologise first, we apologise right back at them. What I really want to do of course is punch them, very hard about the head until they fall over. And then hit them with a shovel. And then use the shovel to clear a path through the rest of the CSZ to get to the shoes. Having paid for only two hours parking I couldn't waste time, because in the weeks running up to Christmas, whilst the CSZ moves slowly, their partners in parking enforcement move like demented bees. Usain Bolt would have been put to shame by one keen parking enforcement official I saw, dashing from one car to another, checking each tyre was within the white lines and that the driver had paid the Bacon Tax.*
I foresee the CSZ problem getting worse, because last year nobody had any money and this year it seems we are coming out of the recession and have money to burn. And so they will be out more often and for longer spending cash and clogging up the shops so I can't.
Happily I fall into the category of LMCS a different kind of shopper altogether. As a Last Minute Christmas Shopper I may appear to be rushing about on Christmas Eve in blind terror, but I'm not. I know exactly what I want, where it is and how much it costs, and I have the right money ion my wallet. Sadly, there is none left when I get there. So I will buy everyone unsuitable shoes.
Sean* - Sean Connery - Coronary (Hull Rhyming Slang - famous for not necessarily rhyming or being very good)
Bacon Tax.* Bacon Rind - James Hind. (Hull Rhyming Slang) James Hind was famous for Highway Robbery, although not as popular as Dick Turpin.
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