One of the problems with my Vectra has always been the lack of heat. In the past cars were inefficient beasts that turned petrol into a little bit of power and a lot of heat and noise. Engines however have been getting more refined and efficient over the last few years partly because of the environmental argument (which is nonsense) that they damage the atmosphere, but mostly because of the price of fuel. The result is my Vectra will do up to 70 miles per gallon but generates little heat from the engine, certainly on my 22 mile commute to work a candle on the dashboard would be more beneficial. The problem is a big lazy engine turning a tall geared gearbox, resulting in the engine barley ticking over in 6th gear for most of the route. I could of course thrash the balls of it in third, but then all the efforts to maintain fuel economy and keep it quiet would have been worthless.
What it needed was an old school engineering solution - i.e. a bit of cardboard stuck up in front of the radiator. This would restrict airflow causing the radiator to heat up quicker, and thus the cabin heater would warm up quicker too. Clever huh?
A little too clever for my own good. Pulling out onto the main road today I noticed a distinct unwillingness to put power to the wheels, even though the throttle was wide open. Slipping into neutral revealed the engine would not rev past 2000 rpm. Examination shows that those clever boffins at Vauxhall made two air intakes, controlled by a thermostatic valve. In summer it sucks in nice cool air, and once the car has warmed up it also takes in warm air. But for cold running it takes air from behind the radiator, where it is warm. I think you can see where this is going. Yes, I had effectively strangled the car by blocking off it's air supply.
The effect is akin to hiking with a cold. It is not pleasant, but you can just about breathe between sneezes and snuffles, right up until someone asks you to sprint up a hill, which quite frankly just isn't going to happen. Air cannot enter your lungs, because the filter is blocked. It is of course well known that you don't catch a cold because you are cold, you catch a cold because it's a virus, and virus thrive in the warm if you dressed in summer wear you wouldn't catch a cold, you'd catch hypothermia.
And the same is happening to the Vectra - by trying to keep it warm I have given it a cold.
Wednesday, 31 December 2014
Wednesday, 3 December 2014
Christmas shopping without the zombies
I have spoken before, last year to be precise, about the phenomenon known as the Christmas Shopping Zombie, so I won't go into it again in detail. Read last years post if you want to remind yourself. Needless to say I was keen to avoid them this year.
The nearest large town to my home is Hull, which has been designated the UK city of Culture 2017. I have spoken on this subject too, so will say no more, other than that Hull will need to improve an awful to in less than 3 years if it is not to disappoint. Don't get me wrong, it is, or rather could be, a great city. It is let down by a minority of the people that live there, a road infrastructure that doesn't work, (rather like the minority of people) and a depressing backdrop of buildings which have never been repaired after the Luftwaffe used the city as a dump for all the unused munitions they had left over from anywhere else they failed to bomb. This means that a shopping trip into the city is not a prospect I look forward to.
Firstly there is the hassle of getting there. Whilst there is a bus, carrying many bags of shopping on it isn't really feasible, so it's the car then. Which means a slow arduous trek of 10 miles that should take 10 minutes but takes nearer 30.
Then you have to pay £7 to park near a derelict church with the very real prospect that your stereo and wheels may be missing when you come back.
Next you have to walk past the tracksuit clad chain smoking unwashed hanging around outside the shops selling stolen chocolate bars or begging for cash.
Then the shops themselves are full of the aforementioned zombies. And nothing worth buying. So what to do?
The wife suggests Meadowhall, but this simply means driving a lot further for pretty much the same shops, more expensive parking and similar zombies but with different accents.
York was tempting, because it has historic little gift shops and lots of street entertainment - jugglers, musicians, magicians, mimes and people who stand still for a living. And, last time I was there, Darth Vader and C3P0. But York is also full of students who irritate me by speaking in tongues. If they are bright enough to be studying nuclear physics or whatever York University teaches, why can't they speak English?
I might end up stuck in Hull after all. But then inspiration struck. It meant driving 60 miles each way, but I made a day out of it all and heading for a different North East Coastal town. I will keep the identity of this town secret, because when it comes to Christmas shopping it is a little gem. Nestling on the clifftops it has a variety of shops selling all sorts of trinkets and gee-gaws, just the sort of tat that makes ideal Christmas presents. And in a shock move that took me entirely by surprise North Yorkshire Council has suspended all parking charges until 1st March. Free Parking. Yes, Free! Hull could learn something from this.
I parked near a derelict church, but had no fears of my car being attacked, because the church in question had been vandalised by someone called Henry almost 500 years ago, so there was little chance of him coming back. Apart from this, there were no tracksuited unemployed idle youth to be seen, probably because the car park was at the top of a very steep hill and they were too lazy to walk. But that was not the case, even when I got down to the shops there were no layabouts to be seen. The shops were devoid of zombies, indeed devoid of almost any customers at all, meaning that I could browse at my ease, and had the full attention of the friendly, welcoming and interested sales assistants. The whole experience was a delight. Topped off with Fish and Chips from an award winning outlet, instead of Bob Carvers greasy spoon in Hull, I then enjoyed a relaxing drive over the moors and enjoyed the beautiful scenery and sunset.
A grand day out, Grommit, and not a zombie in sight.
The nearest large town to my home is Hull, which has been designated the UK city of Culture 2017. I have spoken on this subject too, so will say no more, other than that Hull will need to improve an awful to in less than 3 years if it is not to disappoint. Don't get me wrong, it is, or rather could be, a great city. It is let down by a minority of the people that live there, a road infrastructure that doesn't work, (rather like the minority of people) and a depressing backdrop of buildings which have never been repaired after the Luftwaffe used the city as a dump for all the unused munitions they had left over from anywhere else they failed to bomb. This means that a shopping trip into the city is not a prospect I look forward to.
Firstly there is the hassle of getting there. Whilst there is a bus, carrying many bags of shopping on it isn't really feasible, so it's the car then. Which means a slow arduous trek of 10 miles that should take 10 minutes but takes nearer 30.
Then you have to pay £7 to park near a derelict church with the very real prospect that your stereo and wheels may be missing when you come back.
Next you have to walk past the tracksuit clad chain smoking unwashed hanging around outside the shops selling stolen chocolate bars or begging for cash.
Then the shops themselves are full of the aforementioned zombies. And nothing worth buying. So what to do?
The wife suggests Meadowhall, but this simply means driving a lot further for pretty much the same shops, more expensive parking and similar zombies but with different accents.
York was tempting, because it has historic little gift shops and lots of street entertainment - jugglers, musicians, magicians, mimes and people who stand still for a living. And, last time I was there, Darth Vader and C3P0. But York is also full of students who irritate me by speaking in tongues. If they are bright enough to be studying nuclear physics or whatever York University teaches, why can't they speak English?
I might end up stuck in Hull after all. But then inspiration struck. It meant driving 60 miles each way, but I made a day out of it all and heading for a different North East Coastal town. I will keep the identity of this town secret, because when it comes to Christmas shopping it is a little gem. Nestling on the clifftops it has a variety of shops selling all sorts of trinkets and gee-gaws, just the sort of tat that makes ideal Christmas presents. And in a shock move that took me entirely by surprise North Yorkshire Council has suspended all parking charges until 1st March. Free Parking. Yes, Free! Hull could learn something from this.
I parked near a derelict church, but had no fears of my car being attacked, because the church in question had been vandalised by someone called Henry almost 500 years ago, so there was little chance of him coming back. Apart from this, there were no tracksuited unemployed idle youth to be seen, probably because the car park was at the top of a very steep hill and they were too lazy to walk. But that was not the case, even when I got down to the shops there were no layabouts to be seen. The shops were devoid of zombies, indeed devoid of almost any customers at all, meaning that I could browse at my ease, and had the full attention of the friendly, welcoming and interested sales assistants. The whole experience was a delight. Topped off with Fish and Chips from an award winning outlet, instead of Bob Carvers greasy spoon in Hull, I then enjoyed a relaxing drive over the moors and enjoyed the beautiful scenery and sunset.
A grand day out, Grommit, and not a zombie in sight.
Saturday, 22 November 2014
How to replace the nearside headlamp bulb on a 2006 model Vauxhall Vectra.
So many enjoyed my entry on how to replace the offside headlamp bulb on a 2006 model Vauxhall Vectra, that I thought I might write up the other side, having just done that job too. So here goes.
How to replace the nearside headlamp bulb on a 2006 model Vauxhall Vectra.
1. Weigh up the work involved in removing the battery and fusebox that appear to be in the way. Note the water bottle filler neck also positioned right behind the headlamp.
2. Having learned your mistake from doing the offside headlamp, do not fall for it and remove the cover for the easily accessible main beam lamp, instead attempt to reach the cover for the very inaccessibly dipped beam lamp. Graze the back of your hand on the sharp edges of the moulding of the washer bottle filler neck. Curse loudly.
3. Take a small child, preferably your own and attempt to explain what is required. After fifteen minutes and several attempts, accept that whilst their hand is small enough, they do not have the wit or the strength in their fingers to remove the cover, which was put on with superglue, by an ape, at the factory.
4. Measure your own hand, and the space available, which will be smaller. Work out how much more space would be available if you could just get the washer bottle filler neck out of the way, which is almost, but just not quite enough.
5. Remove the plastic clips that hold the washer bottle filler neck to the front slam panel by snapping them gently. Curse in Latin whilst doing this.
6. Get your hand to breathe in and hold its breath whilst you remove the cover from the back of the headlamp.
7. Working blind again, pull off the electrical connector (the bulb will come with it) but unlike the offside headlamp there will be no mysterious metallic “ping” noise and nothing will fall into the engine bay. This is normal.
8. Replace the bulb noting the specially shaped backplate which will only allow the bulb to fit in one way etc etc blah blah see instructions for offside headlamp, steps 7 to 11.
9. Drop the cover for the headlamp into the most inaccessible part of the engine bay ensuring that it either snags on something halfway down just beyond reach, or falls all the way through to the undertray which is held on by about a million screws all of which you will have to remove to get the tray off to retrieve the headlamp cover.
10. Having replaced the headlamp cover and the engine undertray replace the washer bottle filler neck attaching it to the front slam panel with a zip tie.
Job done. Estimated time 10 minutes. Actual time 1 hour, two cups of coffee.
Difficulty rating. ****king annoying.
How to replace the nearside headlamp bulb on a 2006 model Vauxhall Vectra.
1. Weigh up the work involved in removing the battery and fusebox that appear to be in the way. Note the water bottle filler neck also positioned right behind the headlamp.
2. Having learned your mistake from doing the offside headlamp, do not fall for it and remove the cover for the easily accessible main beam lamp, instead attempt to reach the cover for the very inaccessibly dipped beam lamp. Graze the back of your hand on the sharp edges of the moulding of the washer bottle filler neck. Curse loudly.
3. Take a small child, preferably your own and attempt to explain what is required. After fifteen minutes and several attempts, accept that whilst their hand is small enough, they do not have the wit or the strength in their fingers to remove the cover, which was put on with superglue, by an ape, at the factory.
4. Measure your own hand, and the space available, which will be smaller. Work out how much more space would be available if you could just get the washer bottle filler neck out of the way, which is almost, but just not quite enough.
5. Remove the plastic clips that hold the washer bottle filler neck to the front slam panel by snapping them gently. Curse in Latin whilst doing this.
6. Get your hand to breathe in and hold its breath whilst you remove the cover from the back of the headlamp.
7. Working blind again, pull off the electrical connector (the bulb will come with it) but unlike the offside headlamp there will be no mysterious metallic “ping” noise and nothing will fall into the engine bay. This is normal.
8. Replace the bulb noting the specially shaped backplate which will only allow the bulb to fit in one way etc etc blah blah see instructions for offside headlamp, steps 7 to 11.
9. Drop the cover for the headlamp into the most inaccessible part of the engine bay ensuring that it either snags on something halfway down just beyond reach, or falls all the way through to the undertray which is held on by about a million screws all of which you will have to remove to get the tray off to retrieve the headlamp cover.
10. Having replaced the headlamp cover and the engine undertray replace the washer bottle filler neck attaching it to the front slam panel with a zip tie.
Job done. Estimated time 10 minutes. Actual time 1 hour, two cups of coffee.
Difficulty rating. ****king annoying.
How to replace the offside headlamp bulb on a 2006 model Vauxhall Vectra.
How to replace the offside headlamp bulb on a 2006 model Vauxhall Vectra.
Since the Haynes manual doesn’t cover this seemingly simple task, here is a step by step guide for those undertaking this job.
1. Disconnect the battery using a 10mm spanner for the terminals. Use a short spanner which will not accidentally arc against the wing, causing a spark.
2. Using a blunt screwdriver, carefully break the fiddly little clip that holds the connector to the Mass Airflow Sensor on the air filter box. Curse loudly. Swing the cable away to one side.
3. Using a 7mm spanner which you don’t have, or a pair of pliers, gently round the nuts on the jubilee clips that hold the pipework to the mass airflow sensor, cursing as you do this. Constantly push aside the wiring that keeps falling back into the way.
4. Having removed the airflow sensor and related piping attempt to pull the air filter box of the rubber retaining bungs and lift it out of the engine bay. Graze the back of you right hand and tear a fingernail on the left – any will do, as you will be ripping them all off eventually.
5. Grow the fingers on one of your hands by an extra inch, then reach behind the headlamp in the space you have now created and twist the wrist to an unnatural angle to remove the cover from the back of what turns out to be the main beam headlamp. Reverse the process to replace this, then repeat on the even more inaccessible dipped beam headlamp cover.
6. Massage life back into your fingers and suck the blood from any deep cuts. Now using a torch in one hand, use the other two hands to gently pull the connector from the back of the bulb. Curse as the bulb comes out with it, something goes “ping” and an unknown but mercifully superfluous spring metal wire part flies off into the depth of the engine bay.
7. Spend five minutes with the torch familiarising yourself with exactly what it was holding the bulb in, and work out the bulb orientation – it will only fit in one particular way due to the shape of the base plate. This position is hidden by the shadow of your hand in the torchlight whatever position you hold the torch in, so you will have to work blind. Once you have found the position, apply firm pressure to push the bulb in place on the spring clips.
8. Grope around the bottom of the engine bay, in the inaccessible gaps and retrieve the bulb and try again.
9. And again.
10. With the bulb now in position replace the wiring connector (a push fit) taking care not to unseat the bulb. Reseat the bulb.
11. Test the bulb works. Puzzle at why it doesn't until you recall that you disconnected the battery at step 1. Reconnect the battery and test the bulb again. Do not miss this step at all costs, or you will be starting again from the top, when you get to the last step.
12. Replace the headlamp dust cover, using a small childs hand on an adult arm.
13. Attempt to refit the air filter box. Marvel at how something so large could have come out of such a small space. Graze knuckles, preferably your own, but use a bystanders if available, curse loudly without hesitation, repetition or deviation as you wrestle with the air box until it finally surrenders and goes back in place.
14. In a loud voice shout “For crying out loud, you bastard” as you realise the wiring for the mass airflow sensor is now trapped beneath the air filter box. Remove the airfilter box and repeat step 13 as many times as it takes, before eventually using gaffer tape to fix the wiring out of the way so it can’t fall again.
15. Replace the mass airflow sensor and associated pipework. Drip blood gently onto the rounded nuts securing the ducting to make them more difficult to turn with the pliers you have now lost.
16. Refit the electrical connector on the mass air flow sensor, replacing the clip you broke earlier with a new one made out of a paper clip, or use duct tape to hold it in place.
17. Attempt to replace the battery connections and realise you already did that at 11 above and have been working on live electrics since.
Since the Haynes manual doesn’t cover this seemingly simple task, here is a step by step guide for those undertaking this job.
1. Disconnect the battery using a 10mm spanner for the terminals. Use a short spanner which will not accidentally arc against the wing, causing a spark.
2. Using a blunt screwdriver, carefully break the fiddly little clip that holds the connector to the Mass Airflow Sensor on the air filter box. Curse loudly. Swing the cable away to one side.
3. Using a 7mm spanner which you don’t have, or a pair of pliers, gently round the nuts on the jubilee clips that hold the pipework to the mass airflow sensor, cursing as you do this. Constantly push aside the wiring that keeps falling back into the way.
4. Having removed the airflow sensor and related piping attempt to pull the air filter box of the rubber retaining bungs and lift it out of the engine bay. Graze the back of you right hand and tear a fingernail on the left – any will do, as you will be ripping them all off eventually.
5. Grow the fingers on one of your hands by an extra inch, then reach behind the headlamp in the space you have now created and twist the wrist to an unnatural angle to remove the cover from the back of what turns out to be the main beam headlamp. Reverse the process to replace this, then repeat on the even more inaccessible dipped beam headlamp cover.
6. Massage life back into your fingers and suck the blood from any deep cuts. Now using a torch in one hand, use the other two hands to gently pull the connector from the back of the bulb. Curse as the bulb comes out with it, something goes “ping” and an unknown but mercifully superfluous spring metal wire part flies off into the depth of the engine bay.
7. Spend five minutes with the torch familiarising yourself with exactly what it was holding the bulb in, and work out the bulb orientation – it will only fit in one particular way due to the shape of the base plate. This position is hidden by the shadow of your hand in the torchlight whatever position you hold the torch in, so you will have to work blind. Once you have found the position, apply firm pressure to push the bulb in place on the spring clips.
8. Grope around the bottom of the engine bay, in the inaccessible gaps and retrieve the bulb and try again.
9. And again.
10. With the bulb now in position replace the wiring connector (a push fit) taking care not to unseat the bulb. Reseat the bulb.
11. Test the bulb works. Puzzle at why it doesn't until you recall that you disconnected the battery at step 1. Reconnect the battery and test the bulb again. Do not miss this step at all costs, or you will be starting again from the top, when you get to the last step.
12. Replace the headlamp dust cover, using a small childs hand on an adult arm.
13. Attempt to refit the air filter box. Marvel at how something so large could have come out of such a small space. Graze knuckles, preferably your own, but use a bystanders if available, curse loudly without hesitation, repetition or deviation as you wrestle with the air box until it finally surrenders and goes back in place.
14. In a loud voice shout “For crying out loud, you bastard” as you realise the wiring for the mass airflow sensor is now trapped beneath the air filter box. Remove the airfilter box and repeat step 13 as many times as it takes, before eventually using gaffer tape to fix the wiring out of the way so it can’t fall again.
15. Replace the mass airflow sensor and associated pipework. Drip blood gently onto the rounded nuts securing the ducting to make them more difficult to turn with the pliers you have now lost.
16. Refit the electrical connector on the mass air flow sensor, replacing the clip you broke earlier with a new one made out of a paper clip, or use duct tape to hold it in place.
17. Attempt to replace the battery connections and realise you already did that at 11 above and have been working on live electrics since.
Job complete. Estimated time 10 minutes. Actual time 35 minutes. Why not change your airfilter at the same time and get two jobs doe in one?
Monday, 27 October 2014
The tax spiral
"Unto Caesar pay the taxes," one man famously said when questioned about paying taxes "for it is his face upon the coins." Shortly afterwards he got nailed to a tree, which just goes to show.
It is indeed right and proper that we pay taxes. But do we have to have quite so many of them. And whilst I don't mind paying a fair tax, I object top paying tax on a tax for something I paid tax on already.
The newest tax to be proposed is the Mansion Tax, which will be aimed at those who own houses worth more than £2 million. These are obviously rich people, who should be taxed for being successful. I expect most footballers will be happy to pay this tax, and they can certainly afford it. But what about those unfortunate people who have lived in houses which through the governments ineptitude, assisted by greedy property developers and town planners have risen into that band whilst they stay on the same income? Other people made their house worth more, not them.
My own modest plot falls nowhere near the £2 million threshold, but he's the rub. In the North of England it could be any house worth more than £400,000, and mine might soon come quite close. it's nudging towards £300,000 already.
So far as I see it I have earned money by working, and I have paid income tax on that money. I bought a house with what was left and had to pay Stamp Duty tax for the privilege. Then I had to pay council tax to live in it. And now I might have to pay mansion tax as well to keep living in it. There is of course a plan by the Labour Party to ease that burden, so that you don't actually pay anything towards the Mansion Tax until you are dead. Brilliant - now they've even found a way to tax me after I'm dead. Up until this they relied on my beneficiaries paying inheritance tax on what I left behind. But of course they'll want that too, although they will deduct the value of the Mansion Tax from the estate value before inheritance tax is calculated. No doubt they will want VAT on the tax as well.
Of course you can avoid the tax entirely by being rich and then renting a house. Or you could just be poor and never pay any taxes at all.
Tax on cars is equally strange. Again you earn money and pay income tax, and with the bit you have left you are allowed to buy a car, on which you pay purchase tax, and VAT. Then you must pay vehicle excise duty, which is a tax on ownership of the car, and if you intend to drive it you will need fuel, on which you pay fuel duty and some more VAT. And you must insure it, which is tax in disguise, and pay some more VAT on the insurance. If you choose instead to simply park it, then you must pay a parking charge, yet another tax in disguise, probably with VAT as well, and if you forget to pay or overstay you get a fine (tax?) with VAT on it. And if you are unfortunate enough to live or work in the capital, there's yet another tax to pay for the congestion that has been caused by turning half the road into "special users lanes" for those on buses and riding cycles who don't pay tax. And don't be tempted to use those bus lanes either, or you'll be taxed/fined for that too. Even if you go green and environmental and buy a G-Whiz electric car you'll still be paying VAT on the electricity.
It's all enough to drive you to drink - but there's tax on that too.
Income tax was of course originally charged to finance a war with the French. We should have stopped paying it years ago, we just got used to it.
I found some comfort then when they announced on the news that Britain was being charged an extra £1.7 billion by the EU for being so successful in managing our economy. Cameron was furious, and said he will not pay it. Good for him .But then it dawned on me - they'll only find a way of making me pay it.
It is indeed right and proper that we pay taxes. But do we have to have quite so many of them. And whilst I don't mind paying a fair tax, I object top paying tax on a tax for something I paid tax on already.
The newest tax to be proposed is the Mansion Tax, which will be aimed at those who own houses worth more than £2 million. These are obviously rich people, who should be taxed for being successful. I expect most footballers will be happy to pay this tax, and they can certainly afford it. But what about those unfortunate people who have lived in houses which through the governments ineptitude, assisted by greedy property developers and town planners have risen into that band whilst they stay on the same income? Other people made their house worth more, not them.
My own modest plot falls nowhere near the £2 million threshold, but he's the rub. In the North of England it could be any house worth more than £400,000, and mine might soon come quite close. it's nudging towards £300,000 already.
So far as I see it I have earned money by working, and I have paid income tax on that money. I bought a house with what was left and had to pay Stamp Duty tax for the privilege. Then I had to pay council tax to live in it. And now I might have to pay mansion tax as well to keep living in it. There is of course a plan by the Labour Party to ease that burden, so that you don't actually pay anything towards the Mansion Tax until you are dead. Brilliant - now they've even found a way to tax me after I'm dead. Up until this they relied on my beneficiaries paying inheritance tax on what I left behind. But of course they'll want that too, although they will deduct the value of the Mansion Tax from the estate value before inheritance tax is calculated. No doubt they will want VAT on the tax as well.
Of course you can avoid the tax entirely by being rich and then renting a house. Or you could just be poor and never pay any taxes at all.
Tax on cars is equally strange. Again you earn money and pay income tax, and with the bit you have left you are allowed to buy a car, on which you pay purchase tax, and VAT. Then you must pay vehicle excise duty, which is a tax on ownership of the car, and if you intend to drive it you will need fuel, on which you pay fuel duty and some more VAT. And you must insure it, which is tax in disguise, and pay some more VAT on the insurance. If you choose instead to simply park it, then you must pay a parking charge, yet another tax in disguise, probably with VAT as well, and if you forget to pay or overstay you get a fine (tax?) with VAT on it. And if you are unfortunate enough to live or work in the capital, there's yet another tax to pay for the congestion that has been caused by turning half the road into "special users lanes" for those on buses and riding cycles who don't pay tax. And don't be tempted to use those bus lanes either, or you'll be taxed/fined for that too. Even if you go green and environmental and buy a G-Whiz electric car you'll still be paying VAT on the electricity.
It's all enough to drive you to drink - but there's tax on that too.
Income tax was of course originally charged to finance a war with the French. We should have stopped paying it years ago, we just got used to it.
I found some comfort then when they announced on the news that Britain was being charged an extra £1.7 billion by the EU for being so successful in managing our economy. Cameron was furious, and said he will not pay it. Good for him .But then it dawned on me - they'll only find a way of making me pay it.
Why Cops eat Donuts
Why do cops eat donuts? Well truth is they don't, at least not as much as they are portrayed to do by the media. I can count on one hand the number of donuts I've eaten this year, and it's six.
Cops do tend to eat sugary foods and fast food though, and it's not purely down to the shift work and inability to eat regular meals, although that does play a part. What it comes down to is genetics. It's in our DNA. How can this be I hear you ask? You aren't born as a cop. And that is mostly true too. But our DNA and genetic make up means we are all designed to eat at regular intervals, but any shiftworker in the emergency services will tell you that is impossible. Except for firemen, who rarely have their meals, or sleep disturbed.
It is to do with STRESS and how our bodies react to it. In ascending order here are the top ten most stressful jobs in the UK.
10. Schoolteacher. (except for during the thirteen weeks of holiday they get - they must be pretty unstressed, particularly after that six week summer break)
9. Social Worker (Not sure how they get stressed with all the camomile tea and Japanese Peace Lilies around the office)
8. Newspaper Reporter (You're kidding right? I suppose if your the war correspondent in Afghanistan it might get a bit hairy)
7. Emergency Dispatcher (Passing the buck to other people to deal with the real problem is stressful? Really?)
6. Nurse (I've been in A&E often enough to know this is true, but it is't quite like they show on "Casualty" - I've never heard them shout CRASH yet)
5. Police Officer (Eating doughnuts can be stressful - see below)
4. Pilot (I am amazed at this, because it is basically driving in 3D, and I find driving quite relaxing. Plus I once spoke with a pilot, who told me modern planes could take off, fly and land themselves without him being in the cockpit, and he was only really there as public reassurance. I suppose there is always the worry of a Taliban on board, but it is quite rare really. And if your a light aircraft pilot that must be quite stressful, you have one engine, and if that goes out.......)
3. Firefighter (How is sitting around the station polishing your fire engine and driving round town on a Friday evening flexing your muscles for the girls and pretending to check hydrants stressful? Why is essential hydrant maintenance always scheduled for a Friday night anyway? The average fire fighter goes to around 3 real fires a year, and maybe ten or twelve traffic incidents were he will usually cut the battery cables and hose away evidence causing stress to number 5 in the list)
2. Surgeon (It must be very stressful taking a person apart, then putting them back together again and hoping they still work afterwards. I did this once with a Mitsubishi engine and it was never the same afterwards - and I had bits left over, so all credit to Britain's second most stressful occupation. They must be on a knife edge the whole time waiting for their bleepers to go off and the nurses to shout CRASH - which they never do, see above)
1. Military personnel. (I have the utmost respect and admiration for our armed forces, who are understrength overworked and under equipped. Although you have to remember they all volunteered knowing there was a good chance they would be sent into combat, unlike their fathers who joined in the cold war when there was little chance of anything kicking off anywhere and were taken by surprise when the Falklands War broke out. That must have been most stressful, when you were enjoying a career consisting of simply driving a Land Rover around Salisbury Plain and then suddenly were sent out there to be shot at.)
So being a cop is the 5th most stressful job in the country. And even more so in the city I would hazard. When subject to mental or physical stress in a potentially life threatening situation the human body responds by producing adrenalin, to allow "fight or flight" responses. This is where we either deal with the issue by punching it, wrestling it, killing it, chasing after it or running away from it. In the days of the cave man the problem causing the stress was usually a predator, and you either killed it then ate it, or you ran away from it or got eaten. The problem for cops is they are not allowed to run away from whatever is causing the stress, and in most cases are discouraged from eating it either. This means that a chemical hormone called Cortisol produced at the same time as the adrenalin flooded their body to give them the energy to fight or flight builds up in their system. This causes sugar imbalance, leading to potential diabetes. Cops are already at high risk of diabetes due to the shift work, poor sleeping patterns and irregular or skipped meals. Once the sugar balance is disturbed the cops get sugar cravings, both mental and physical. If they have to suddenly expend energy and rapidly deplete their energy reserves the Cortisol causes a sugar crash, hence the desire for a nice sugary donut and a mug of hot sweet brown. Because they have missed a meal the hormone adiponectin is low. Adiponectin is what helps burn fat rather than store it. Missing meals the body believes it will starve, so it stores the energy from the donut as fat, rather than burn it as fuel.
Whoa! This can't be right I hear you say. Marathon runners expend masses of energy but don;t eat donuts or get fat. And you'd be right. But runners have the opportunity, like all athletes, to warm up prior to their exercise. They don't get that flood or Cortisol, and they don't have the adiponectin deficiency because they had a stack of high energy slow release oatmeal or whatever for breakfast.
Of course once in the cycle, the cop is likely to put on more weight, no matter how much he exercises, thus becoming borderline diabetic with erratic blood sugar levels and the cycle continues, with more donuts. The only way to end it is to retire, and do something less stressful. I have checked the list and quite fancy emergency dispatcher.
There are of course two other reasons cops eat donuts. Because the can, and because they like 'em.
Cops do tend to eat sugary foods and fast food though, and it's not purely down to the shift work and inability to eat regular meals, although that does play a part. What it comes down to is genetics. It's in our DNA. How can this be I hear you ask? You aren't born as a cop. And that is mostly true too. But our DNA and genetic make up means we are all designed to eat at regular intervals, but any shiftworker in the emergency services will tell you that is impossible. Except for firemen, who rarely have their meals, or sleep disturbed.
It is to do with STRESS and how our bodies react to it. In ascending order here are the top ten most stressful jobs in the UK.
10. Schoolteacher. (except for during the thirteen weeks of holiday they get - they must be pretty unstressed, particularly after that six week summer break)
9. Social Worker (Not sure how they get stressed with all the camomile tea and Japanese Peace Lilies around the office)
8. Newspaper Reporter (You're kidding right? I suppose if your the war correspondent in Afghanistan it might get a bit hairy)
7. Emergency Dispatcher (Passing the buck to other people to deal with the real problem is stressful? Really?)
6. Nurse (I've been in A&E often enough to know this is true, but it is't quite like they show on "Casualty" - I've never heard them shout CRASH yet)
5. Police Officer (Eating doughnuts can be stressful - see below)
4. Pilot (I am amazed at this, because it is basically driving in 3D, and I find driving quite relaxing. Plus I once spoke with a pilot, who told me modern planes could take off, fly and land themselves without him being in the cockpit, and he was only really there as public reassurance. I suppose there is always the worry of a Taliban on board, but it is quite rare really. And if your a light aircraft pilot that must be quite stressful, you have one engine, and if that goes out.......)
3. Firefighter (How is sitting around the station polishing your fire engine and driving round town on a Friday evening flexing your muscles for the girls and pretending to check hydrants stressful? Why is essential hydrant maintenance always scheduled for a Friday night anyway? The average fire fighter goes to around 3 real fires a year, and maybe ten or twelve traffic incidents were he will usually cut the battery cables and hose away evidence causing stress to number 5 in the list)
2. Surgeon (It must be very stressful taking a person apart, then putting them back together again and hoping they still work afterwards. I did this once with a Mitsubishi engine and it was never the same afterwards - and I had bits left over, so all credit to Britain's second most stressful occupation. They must be on a knife edge the whole time waiting for their bleepers to go off and the nurses to shout CRASH - which they never do, see above)
1. Military personnel. (I have the utmost respect and admiration for our armed forces, who are understrength overworked and under equipped. Although you have to remember they all volunteered knowing there was a good chance they would be sent into combat, unlike their fathers who joined in the cold war when there was little chance of anything kicking off anywhere and were taken by surprise when the Falklands War broke out. That must have been most stressful, when you were enjoying a career consisting of simply driving a Land Rover around Salisbury Plain and then suddenly were sent out there to be shot at.)
So being a cop is the 5th most stressful job in the country. And even more so in the city I would hazard. When subject to mental or physical stress in a potentially life threatening situation the human body responds by producing adrenalin, to allow "fight or flight" responses. This is where we either deal with the issue by punching it, wrestling it, killing it, chasing after it or running away from it. In the days of the cave man the problem causing the stress was usually a predator, and you either killed it then ate it, or you ran away from it or got eaten. The problem for cops is they are not allowed to run away from whatever is causing the stress, and in most cases are discouraged from eating it either. This means that a chemical hormone called Cortisol produced at the same time as the adrenalin flooded their body to give them the energy to fight or flight builds up in their system. This causes sugar imbalance, leading to potential diabetes. Cops are already at high risk of diabetes due to the shift work, poor sleeping patterns and irregular or skipped meals. Once the sugar balance is disturbed the cops get sugar cravings, both mental and physical. If they have to suddenly expend energy and rapidly deplete their energy reserves the Cortisol causes a sugar crash, hence the desire for a nice sugary donut and a mug of hot sweet brown. Because they have missed a meal the hormone adiponectin is low. Adiponectin is what helps burn fat rather than store it. Missing meals the body believes it will starve, so it stores the energy from the donut as fat, rather than burn it as fuel.
Whoa! This can't be right I hear you say. Marathon runners expend masses of energy but don;t eat donuts or get fat. And you'd be right. But runners have the opportunity, like all athletes, to warm up prior to their exercise. They don't get that flood or Cortisol, and they don't have the adiponectin deficiency because they had a stack of high energy slow release oatmeal or whatever for breakfast.
Of course once in the cycle, the cop is likely to put on more weight, no matter how much he exercises, thus becoming borderline diabetic with erratic blood sugar levels and the cycle continues, with more donuts. The only way to end it is to retire, and do something less stressful. I have checked the list and quite fancy emergency dispatcher.
There are of course two other reasons cops eat donuts. Because the can, and because they like 'em.
Monday, 31 March 2014
Happy New Year
With a third of the New Year now passed, it seems I owe all my readers a somewhat belated Happy New Year wish. Where has the time gone? This my first blog of 2014, which suggests that either nothing of interest has happened since January 1st, or, given my usual frantic lifestyle, so many interesting things have been happening that I haven't had time to write about them. This seems more likely.
I can't think of anything specifically, but I'm sure there must have been things going on.
Perhaps I should liven things up a little by tempting fate, or poking Death with a big stick? I'm sure that will liven things up a little, and give me something more interesting to write about next time.
If you were expecting my usual witty vitriol, or a rant, then I apologize. Normal service will resume as soon as possible.
I can't think of anything specifically, but I'm sure there must have been things going on.
Perhaps I should liven things up a little by tempting fate, or poking Death with a big stick? I'm sure that will liven things up a little, and give me something more interesting to write about next time.
If you were expecting my usual witty vitriol, or a rant, then I apologize. Normal service will resume as soon as possible.
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