Vote Top Gear!

You can't have failed to notice we have an election coming up. The press have been banging on about it for a month or so, fortunatley not with quite so much coverage as they gave the US Presidential campaigns, but for long enough that it can't have escaped your attention.
As i see it we have a choice. We can vote for a bunch of scheming, lying, cheating, money wasting, two faced, depraved, self serving publicist bastards who beleive there is one set of rules for them and another for the rest of us - or we just don't vote.
In the red corner, representing the Labour Party, and promising the moon, on a stick, covered in chocolate sauce, and expecting us to beleive it, even thoguh they've had fifteen years and have made a mess of it, is the biggoted woman hater Gordon Brown. (That is, he hates women bigots, not that he himself is a bigot who hates women - I just thought I'd better clarify that - although perhaps the ambiguity would have done him a favour with a certain group of voters)
In the blue corner, representing the Conservatives we have - well I'm not so sure. I'm not that up pn this politics lark to be honest. Cameron? The one with a bit of a looker for a wife. His policies seem to be that he will support the NHS. And that he has a good looking wife. Well better looking than Mrs Brown anyway. He stands for family values, but won't re-introuduce a married couples tax allowance or anything like that. In fact he'll probably continue to support the "underpriviledged" single parent familes who don;t contribute anything to society, have never worked and claim all the benefits going which hard working married but single income couples can't get a shot at.
Then there is the Liberal Democrats (are they still democrats?) or Social Democratic party or whatever they are branding themselves as this year. Their policies are...... well does anybody know? Does anybody care? Apparently Hull is run by the Liberals. Funny, because so far as I can tell the council services work exactly the same as when Labour ran them, although it probably costs more now. The Liberals are promising to turn the country around. I'll look forward to power cuts, miners strikes and economic instabilty then. I think they were the party that was on the radio today promisng to "mend Broken Britain." Al Murray - get onto a no win no fee solicitor straight away - they've nicked your slogan. Shame on You Liberal Deocratic Alliance.
That leaves the Greens. Who will put a windfarm and solar panel on every roof top and very commendable too. That way we can be self sufficent in power and tell the Arabs to go and **** themselves and withdraw our troops back to the UKL protecting our borders from Illegal Immigrants. The only drawback in their master plan is how do we pay for ths dream? And in the meantime how do the lorries deliver these goods with no petrol until the Ortganic Goats Cheese fuel becomes a reality?
If you want to waste a vote you could vote for the UK Independance Party. This is a sort of polite BNP so far as I can work out. Migrants out! (if you wouldn't mind awfully, thank you very much, please.) Sory but how can the UK be independant overnight when we have spent the last 100 years training Johnny Foreigner how to do all the stuff and build all the stuff we used to sell all over the world, and whcih we know longer have the capacity to make ourselves? UK independance is all very well if you beleive that Yorkshire Tea grows in Yorkshire. It doesn't. It grows in India and China. We import it on favourable terms, along with bananas, oil, coal, timber, electricty, gas, Soap stars....... the list goes on.
That leaves the BNP. Not really an option is it? Racist skinheaded anarchists. If they meloowed down a bit they might stand a chance, but until they realise that almost without exception everyone in the UK is either an immigrant or descended from one they will get nowhere. My own family for example can be traced back 1000 years - but are ultimately probably French or German. My wife is called Jennifer - to quote Al Murray once more "A beautiful British Name." A derivative of Genevere, the wife of King Arthur. How much more English can you get? But her family can only trace themselves back around 1000 years as well, and she was probably a descendant of the Vikings, so what right does she have to vote in England?
The one party not represented in the elections is of course the common sense party. This is of course the TOP GEAR party, their leader being Jeremy Clarkson. His views may seem outlandish at times, but the silent majority (sorry Al Murray again) woudl supoprt him. Richard (beautiful English name) "The Hamster" Hammond would be deputy, performing much the same role as Prescott used to occupy - i.e. performing outragious stunts to distract the pubic from the day to day politics. And James May, the slightly geeky, brainy but cautious one would make the ideal Chancellor. Because whilst Jeremy may want to buy a Bugatti Veyron as the Presidential Limo, James would almost certainly buy him a FIAT Panda or a Dacia Sandero.
Other advantages would be an immediate abolishion of Road Tax and Fuel Duty, a tax on Vegetariansim and the prohibtion of bicyclists and Traffic Wardens. And the Bus Lanes and speed bumps would be ripped up. A minimum speed limit would be set on the roads which would really get the ecomony moving again. And Johnny Foreigner could be shot legally with a twelve bore, as well as foxes.
Of course the Stig would need a role too, and I think I have the perfect job. He could be your local councillor. A faceless and silent prescence who listens but says and does nothing.
So, my advice is, don't waste your vote - vote Clarkson.