Gutters and Drains

It's a dirty job but someone has to do it. I speak of none other than the annual gutter and drain clearance. We'll begin with the gutters. Over the period of a year someone sneaks up on my roof and empties a bucket of compost into my gutters. Why he does this I have no idea, but once a year I go up there, clinging for dear life on ladder that sways in the wind, one handed with a bucket in the other, and I remove the soil and fermenting compost from the gutter and downpipes. I can only assume that someone fills it back up for me because I can;t come up with a reasonable explanation of how it arrives there otherwise. Some will be wind borne debris, I'll grant that, and some is lichen and moss which grows profusely on the concrete roof tiles. Some will be the result of bird droppings. But are birds responsible for carrying bits of grit and gravel up there? No, I sternly believe someone comes along one night, plugs up the downpipes, takes a shit in the gutter and deposits leaves, compost and gravel over the roof.
Clearing the gutters, whilst a messy job, is at least not too unpleasant. The decaying compost might pong a bit, but it washes off relatively easily and the smell doesn't cling. The worse that can happen is a face full of water from the hosepipe as i flush the guttering.
Dealing with the drains is a different matter.
Like all houses we have two systems of drainage, one for the guttering and one for the household waste water, the so called "grey" water. There is the third of course which is sewage but I refuse to even go there and so far luckily the need hasn't arisen.
The guttering drains are unpleasant but no so bad - a bit of grit and gravel off the drive gets into the catch trap, but is easily fished out, and a quick squirt through with the hosepipe ensures things run smoothly.
No it is the household drains from the bath and sinks that causes the biggest headache. And the biggest stink.
We have lived in this house for nearly 14 years now and throughout that time my wife has insisted on only Fairy liquid for washing up. I would be happy with ASDA's own, but she insists on Fairy, so Fairy it is. Compromise in our house means doing what she says. Fairy, as we all know from the adverts, dissolves grease on contact. So much so that Robbie Coltrane was even able to clean his motorcycle engine parts in his Grannies sink using Fairy. So you wold expect that after 14 years our drains would be clean and fresh and free of any grease contamination at all. No.No No.
What Fairy does is mix itself with grease then congeals into a cheese like substance which slowly blocks the drain. The cheese analogy doesn't end there either, as it has the same consistency as a good Wensleydale. All cheese have a unique smell, and so does this stuff. Imagine the worse smell you can think of and you are not close. I drive past the sewage works every day, and I could have bathed in that afterwards and come out fresher smelling. I do not exaggerate when I say this smell came from the very armpits of Beelzebub himself. I am an enlightened 21st century father - I even changed my kids first nappies, the green ones and have to say this was worse.
Now you may laugh at what I did next, I certainly didn't. Well not at the time anyway. Having had to grapple with this highly toxic gunge before, I know that once it is on the skin the smell remains forever. Determined not to have to handle it I used a Jet washer to try and blast the drain clear. May I suggest you do not try this at home?
Grease, foul cheese smelling grease, water from the cesspits of a rock concert and accumulated rotted household waste backfired all over me. It was in my face, in my hair and spread all over my T shirt and Jeans, which I would now burn where it not for the fear of the toxic gases they might emit. To make matters worse all the jet washer had done was blow back a loose layer of shit off the top of the blockage beneath, which remained resolutely compacted in place. I had to resort to removing it by hand, and by hand it was with no rubber gloves to be found about the house. Fighting back the urge to vomit, which to be honest would have sweetened the smell somewhat I lunged in and removed handful after handful of cheesy greasy Fairy Liquid amalgam. Evenutually after filling half a carrier bag with this mulch, and a further jet washing, much boiling water and a bottle of not very environmentally friendly chemical cleaner we now have a kitchen drain which smells much sweeter and which runs freely for the first time in a long while.
Having disposed of the devils excrement I then tried to wash off the stink. I use a brand of shower gel which boasts that it contains 8899 leaves of mint extract in every bottle, and which normally leaves me feeling clean and fresh. Why the didn't put one extra mint leaf in and round it off to 8900 I don't know. Or or heavens sake why not use 9000 and have done? That's by the by though. This normally clears blood sweat and tyres (that's the sort of lifestyle I lead) but it didn't touch this stink, even after 30 minutes soaking in the bath followed by a shower. This Minty shower gel is the cosmetic equivalent of PAVA spray - get it anywhere near your eyes and you know about it. It tingles all over your body, as it you are being shot blasted, but it had no effect on the Devils cheese. Finally I hit on the solution by accident after I accidentally snorted some of the gel.
I can't see, my throat is burning, but the only thing I can smell now is mint. I probably still smell like a drain, a I'm sure my family will affirm later, but I don't smell it, and I no longer care.