Lose pounds on the Shitfast diet!

With due apologies to those who normal read my more highbrow, intellectual humour, I'm afraid this post does deal with some toiletry issues. If easily offended by words like shit, please don't read on.

We all know that the only real way to lose weight is to eat less and exercise more, right?
Well, I ate just one Salmonella infected egg, and in just 3 days I've lost 6Ilbs on the Shitfast plan. Eating less - well nothing actually over the last three days, and running to the toilet up to eight or nine times a day really tone sup those leg muscles, plus the abdominal cramps tighten up those tummy muscles a treat. Particularly when you're barfing as well.

This all started just after I'd finished mowing the lawn on Monday -see my previous posts, with a mild stomach ache. I had bacon and egg for brunch, and can only put it down to the eggs. A rapid deterioration saw the highlight of that evening with me in a virtual compression chamber. No kidding that's what it felt like. If you've never had the experience of a nosebleed, headache, shitting and vomiting simultaneously then you won't know what I mean. My eyes were streaming, and I swear earwax was being forced from my ears. Every available body orifice was trying to evict this evil bacteria from my system. The pressures involved must be enormous. The stench certainly was. Sweating and gasping for air - any air would have been good even the fetid stench of my own rotting interior, the only though going through my mind was "Please God don't let me die like this - vapourise me completely, just don't leave a mess to clear up."

Anyhow the bacteria still survives inside me, although the trips to the bathroom are now less frequent and dramatic, because there's nothing left inside to give. Full recovery will take about a week, even with DANONE on my side. If I can face eating anything.

But on a positive note I am under 15 stone for the first time in about 5 years, almost at the bottom end of overweight (yeah right) and a long long way from obese - I could put on another 25 LBS.

Who decides what is overweight on this BMI index thing anyway? At 6 feet 2 I don't realy think that at much under 15 stone I'd look right. I'd get mistaken for a javelin. And buying clothes would eb impossible - clothes manufacturers assume that big people are big in every direction. Try buying a 34 inch leg at under a 34 inch waist for example.

So, just as soon as my fragile constitution will allow it, I'm off for a good old steak dinner. - but right now I'm off back tot eh toilet.