Was Jesus a criminal?

I don’t want to offend anyone with the following article, but it strikes me that if you are going to offend anyone then Christians are the ones to pick on. They do after all preach tolerance and forgiveness, whereas some of the more insecure religions put a Fatwa on you. You’re generally on a safe bet poking at Christianity.


My topic matter today is “Was Jesus a Criminal?” We know he caused damage in the temple when he got angry and threw out the money lenders, but this was just a public order matter really, and he probably got off with just a fixed penalty – a light crucifixion or something.

My logic goes like this. In my day to day work activities I come across an exceptional number of people born on 25th December. Now logically there is a 1 in 365.25 chance (allowing for leap years) of being born on 25th December. Yet I meet a disproportionate number of people born on that day committing offences or otherwise coming to the attention of the police. They are in fact second only to people born on 1st January, which of course immediately marks you out as an illegal immigrant. Oh I know the figures will be skewed slightly, a peak of births around Christmas because there are sad people out there who will deliberately try and conceive a child with the sole intention of having said child on born Christmas Day – so they are a “Special” baby. As if it somehow brings them closer to God or something. The fact that Jesus, if he ever existed, was almost certainly not born on Christmas Day doesn’t seem to enter the heads of these otherwise quite intelligent people. Others are accidental or random births that just happen to fall on Christmas Day. These children, and the adults they grow into, often further stigmatised with names like Christian and Noel, or Angel or Mary somehow grow up into citizens more needy of the Emergency services, and often Social Services than any other group. This is not surprising when you consider how self centred their parents must be, to deliberately plan, nine months in advance, to spoil someone else’s Christmas Dinner by making them deliver a child.

The cynics amongst you might say that I simply remember these people because the date is memorable, but you are wrong. I meet far more Christmas Day people than I meet people who share my same birthday for example, or other relevant dates, like the day I joined the force, or the day I got married.

And I have a theory as to why these people turn to crime. Normal people get Birthday presents and Christmas presents on two separate occasions. This adds to the feeling of being loved and cared for. Even the little Chavs on council estates can look forward to an extra can of Stella as a treat. But Christmas birthday people only get one occasion a year when they feel loved and cherished, so they emotionally insecure and become attention seekers. They are the offspring of those who choose to have a child at Christmas simply to reduce the cost of presents twice yearly. These people then, commit petty crime to gain attention. Simple as that. So if you are born on 25th December, you are more likely to be emotionally stunted, needy and a criminal.

And of course my theory, reverse engineered, in my mind at least, proves that Jesus probably was a criminal too.